What Love Sounds Like

 As the school year wraps up and the weather turns warm, Bella and I have been having a few minutes together on the porch each morning. This isn't due to any stellar schedule I've created. Rather it's my love for the first cup of coffee outside and her love for mornings. She usually comes downstairs dressed and ready for the day. Bring on the world, here comes Bella.

She has her little routine out here and I have mine. With May being the way that May is and all, lately I've sat out here and gone through my mental to do list each day. You might have heard, but May is a little busy. The other day I found myself whispering a quick prayer before we left for the day, "God just let me see your love in some small tangible way today." Off we went.

When I came back home after drop off, I had a little bit more time to sit with the Lord. I flipped open Bellas little prayer journal and found this. 

Sometimes He whispers, other times He shouts. And sometimes he speaks through a pink marker of a second grader.

~

My reading plan took me to Luke 24 which happens to be one of my favorites. There's so much you can unpack in that chapter but what stuck out to me most that day was that even after Jesus had came and fulfilled his mission He could have checked his box and went on up to Heaven but He didn't stop there. The same love that compelled Him to go to the cross and die for the sins of the whole world, lay in a tomb for three days and rise the third morning kept reaching and teaching after He got up. 

Luke 24:15 says that while they (Emmaus Disciples) were discussing and arguing, Jesus himself came near and began to walk along with them. We know that the story doesn't end there either. He walked along that road and into rooms without going through the door and into hearts and lives awakening and reaffirming the faith that they would need to believe. He held out nail scarred hands and broke bread with them and in doing so opened their eyes to see his never ending, never stop reaching for you love. 

Sometimes He whispered and sometimes he walked through closed doors and sat at tables all because He loved us. And in his infinite love that's always teaching, always reaching, He's still coming near to us even today.

~

One thing Im really loving about parenting teens is their dry sense of humor. We all know that it's not easy being a teen and it's also not easy parenting one sometimes. But a little sense of humor can go a long way. My mothers day gift was a perfect example. They brought me some beautiful pink and red roses. I oohed and aaahed and put them delicately in a vase. Then I read their card and bent over laughing. One who shall remain nameless had written, "Mom, you're pretty mediocre on a good day but since I'm awesome I still love you! Can't wait for the beach!

Sometimes love whispers, sometimes it shouts and at other times it speaks through the joke of a teenager. 

~

As Luke 24 continues it just get's more beautiful as Jesus says things like, "Peace to you! Why are you troubled? Touch me and see." He knew they would struggle. He knew that we would too. But rather than condemning them he just kept showing up and showing off his love through proof of his nail scarred hands and ability to appear and then ascend straight up into Heaven.

We may not be hardly to heaven just yet but I think if we just keep showing up and letting our kids know how much we love them and then more than that how much HE loves them, we'll have more than done our job. 

At the end of my days it won't matter if my chores get done, if I ever learn to cook well or if my sheets actually get washed this week. But if I don't let my people know they're loved?! If I don't sit with them on porches, laugh at their jokes, see Jesus with them through breaking bread at the dinner table-(who am I kidding about that one it's more like standing around the kitchen island most evenings) then what have I done?!

If I speak human or angelic tongues but do not have love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. 1 Corinthians 13:1

~ Lord, whether or not I whisper or shout let me not sound like brass or a cymbal, but full of true worship from a heart of love that only comes from You. Let your love be spoken here.

Amen.

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Covered

 When I was growing up I remember my mom always loving the spring. The longer the days grew, the more she couldn't wait to plant all the flowers and tend to anything outside. I didn't much share her love for spring. It had to be about 87 before I came alive outdoors. And even at that I didn't have the healthiest hobbies like tending flowers. Mine involved way too much of a decision I would later regret called baby oil aka tanning lotion circa 1992.

But the older I've gotten the more my perspective has shifted. On spring and burning myself to look like a lobster. We came home from spring break a few weeks ago and as we headed up the driveway all I could think about is if my hydrangea bushes planted last year had any buds or signs of life at all on them. I have now become my mother. 

I'm sure you can sense my joy the last three weeks or so as I've walked alongside those bushes some of which are now covered in green and basically marveled at all that they will become over the next few weeks and months. I might have the bloom covered driveway I've always wanted this summer. Just maybe. 

~

This morning Bella came bouncing downstairs all ready for school and the first thing out of her mouth on this Wednesday of Holy Week was, "How do you know for sure if you're name is in the Lambs book of life?" I just looked at her for a moment and kind of prayed real quick for the wisdom to answer her well. 

This is where I need to add that this question did not stem from any stellar parenting done by me. I credit her curiosity to a teacher this year who makes the Bible come ALIVE. Her heart is so tender and she's at an age where she soaks it all in and then some.

I stumbled over my words I'm sure but I did my best to explain to her that we know for sure our name is there when we can go back to the time that we believed in Jesus, repented and asked Him to be the Lord of our lives and to live in us forever. I remember a few years ago when Bella was curious and started asking all of the questions about salvation. And I remember the day vividly when she bounced into our bedroom early (she's always been an early riser) and said "Well, today's the day. I'm ready to be saved today!" She gave her little heart to the Lord right then and there. 

Bellas a kid with a lot of joy most of the time. She feels things deeply and I can tell her emotions are going to be something to work through as she grows. Welcome to the female population Bella :) I want her to remember that when the enemy tries to sneak doubt into her young mind the best thing to combat that with is the truth of God's word and the truth of what He has already done in her life. Truth is more important than anything anyone will ever feel.

~

I don't think it was ironic that my bible reading this morning had me in Exodus chapter 12. I was reading about the Israelites instructions for Passover about the time that Bella had came downstairs and announced her question. Verse 13 says, "The blood on the houses where you are staying will be a distinguishing mark for you; when I see the blood I will pass over you. No plague will be among you to destroy you when I strike the land of Egypt."

The children of Israel were covered by the sacrifice and spoken for by the blood on their doorposts. 

And if you and I have given our lives to Christ we are indeed spoken for and covered for our transgressions still to this day. 

~

I don't know what suits your fancy as far as tangible reminders go, but my prayer for you today is that you too will see all the ways in which you are indeed covered by the blood of the lamb. If your name is not in the book of life then don't wait, let today be the day of salvation! But if it is, then I hope this beautiful spring season and the blooms that are causing so many allergy flare ups and a thin film of green to be everywhere will serve as a reminder to you that you are indeed covered too.

You are covered and cared for by the one who created those flowers and all things spring in the first place. And if he cares enough to clothe them in his splendor, then how much more does He love and care for you too?!

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It's All Going To Be OK

 This morning we pulled out of the driveway only a few minutes late and were doing what I thought was fairly well for the morning. Then, I remembered that shoes are essential and hadn't seen my little one wearing any when she jumped in the van.

"Bella are you wearing shoes?" I asked because we have gotten all the way to school once in recent months with this same thing happening. "No," she responded and I could tell she was a little embarrassed. We all need a lot of grace some days (or every day) so I didn't fuss about it and we went back and got the shoes.

After I dropped her off one of my sweet older ones and I had an unfortunate exchange right before she headed out of the van and off for school. Because I didn't want to hold up the line I drove away sad. That wasn't the note I wanted to leave her on. 

And as I drove away I passed my son, already at school because he leaves super early most days to work out before heading to class. I'm so proud of his independence but I miss him. We're both morning people and him whistling around the house as I drink my coffee has already been replaced by his presence elsewhere.

The morning continued to tumble but for the sake of keeping a few things concealed I found myself in the gym bathroom waving my white flag and asking God for help. I should add that I don't love the gym. But I've heard it's good for my mind and maybe a few other things so I make an effort a few times a week to go. 

And for me and God, it doesn't matter if I'm in the gym bathroom, my blue mini van or sitting here at home- I'm pretty good these days at asking-if not begging-for help. And that's how I found myself walking uphill at an incline of 7 this morning and a speed of 3.4 speaking encouragement back to my soul.

~

Earlier this week I listened to Jackie Hill Perry's message from Passion about Hope and man. Did it ever hit home. She spoke about life circumstances and challenges that we face and how we must cling to the Hope of our Savior to make it through. 

I find myself often these days talking to other mom's who are also trying to raise our families well and one common theme is the mental weight of raising teens rather than the physical energy it took to rear younger children.  It's not that it doesn't take physical energy now-it very much does. There's still carpools, laundry and I very much have a sweet second grader who likes to do all of the things. So I better be physically ready too.

But the independence of the teens leads the challenges to be more of a mental weight where they're concerned. It's not that they're bad kids, they're in fact really, really precious and good kids. I couldn't be more proud of them if I tried.

But they drive now and that worries me a little. They have different dynamics in their own life that require prayer and that worries me too. I want them to follow Christ above all else. I want them to be a good friend. They're making choices right and left that will affect their futures and the questions-oh the questions about what is the best choice to make can leave your head spinning. 

Because of the ever increasing pace of life we help them work through one thing and the next day there's something else. Like laundry, it's never ending. I often wonder, did my mom have to think this much?! Did she question herself and wonder about us or did she even know what was going on at the Jackson County High School half the time?! Life was different then but I do know she worried and she also prayed. My mama prayed a lot.

~

Yesterday I was leading a bible study at church and there was some ruckus next door. I didn't think much of it and it got loud enough that I leaned over and asked a friend what was going on next door. "Oh that's indoor recess for the preschool," she said. My heart melted. 

I walked out into the hall a little later and there went about twenty little four year olds following their teacher back to class. "Miss Susun!" One of them yelled up to her teacher. "Jackson just skipped line and traded places with Anna Beth. He shouldn't have done that!" 

I stopped dead in my tracks for a minute and it seems a little silly now but it warmed my heart and my eyes filled with tears. 

Oh I sometimes miss the days when I had a little blonde head and a brown one fighting for their spot in line! I miss packing those little Superhero and Barbie lunchboxes although I dreaded it at the time. There is nothing like the innocence of a child. 

~

Here's the thing. I really do enjoy my teenagers and my little eight year old caboose. I enjoy Tim and I'm so thankful for where we're at as a family. But that doesn't diminish the fact that the weight of them getting older and my responsibility to teach and lead them well through really good days and hard days is here and now. And so often I do not know the right thing to say or do and I have to pray and ask God for wisdom that I don't have. That is the thing that I find myself asking for more often than anything else as of late.

I have found that you can love your family so much that it hurts and in the same breath you can also worry about them and then you can pray. You can be so physically exhausted that you set a ten minute timer for a quick nap (not that I've done that every day for the past week) and you can also ask God to give you energy for the next few hours. You can be mentally spent and at the same time ask Him to lead you and hear His voice telling you this is the way, walk in it. 

He is good. He is faithful. He provides.

~

There was one line of Jackies message that I've thought about so much these past few days and it's worth repeating here. She was speaking of her own message and struggles and she said it's all going to be ok. He rose from the grave....it's going to be ok.

And it seems so simple but that's enough to encourage the heck out of me for this season that we're in. Sometimes life seems overwhelming but you know what? It's gonna be ok. It's all going to be OK!

Christianity is set apart from every other world religion because we have a risen Savior who got out of a grave. And that therefore is where we place our hope.

Even when it seems like everything is falling apart, it can't fall beyond what He can redeem. 

So I'm just here to remind you that this week when it seems that you're heavy with the weight of life on your shoulders, remember to look up to the One who lived, died and rose again to give us victory. 

That is where your strength will come from. 

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NYC Elevators and a Faithful God

Sometimes I feel so torn by this digital age that we're living in. I love the convenience, the easy access to everything and the pretty pictures. All of the pretty pictures...timehop can have me in a puddle of tears over how fast my babies have grown and I can catch up on our out of town families beautiful weekend shenanigans all in one sitting. 

While there is something to be said about capturing the good and putting it out there to preserve for our own memories and also for the world to see, I do think it can be a bit misleading at times. There's a fine balance of capturing the good while also remaining authentic.

I desire to do both, but it's hard sometimes.

This past weekend when I took my sweet mama and my girls to NYC and documented my memories, I kind of thought it might be a good time to take the time to go a little deeper than the pictures. I always desire to encourage others that even though those live shots to beautiful melodies might make everything seem beautiful and easy and whimsical and fun-sometimes there's a little more to the story. And it's so worth telling because that's where the good stuff is found.

~

Many, many years ago when I struggled with anxiety at my worst I had this lingering sense of wanting to get out. I would wake up panicking in the night and have to go out on the porch and look up at the stars. I would go into work (night shift at a hospital) and as the walls felt like they were closing in if I could just get a minute of fresh air outside, I could make it through the night. It was a dark season but God was faithful.

I now know that there's actually a lot of science behind what God was teaching me about His creation, what I was feeling and how to cope. It's been a beautiful process as I've grown and hopefully helped others along the way over the years. I'm happy to say that MOST of the time now, I go about my days and do not live in fear or panic. Im pretty intentional about consistently doing the things that keep me close to God and therefore a lot calmer on a daily basis. 

~

So in the middle of a big beautiful bustling city along with 982,837,894,346 (I kid) (sort of) other people....I found myself STUCK in a stinking elevator on Saturday. If you're thinking, "Oh I bet she wanted out" you'd be right.

And I don't like to admit this, but I panicked. There wasn't much I could actually do but I did stand there and cry. My girls were mostly fine, mama was fine, eight other strangers were fine....it was just me. I wanted OUT like nobody's business and as you know stuck in an elevator is kind of confining. Nobody was going anywhere. I do remember at one point reaching into my purse, pulling out a few chewable  supplements which are totally natural but to the strangers in the elevator might have looked like I was popping some sort of CBD. I didn't care. 

Thankfully one sweet man who was also a little unwell over the situation asked me if I wanted to pray. I did and within a minute of praying out loud the powers that be were able to open the door and get us out of there. Imagine that. God is faithful.

~

Now here's where it gets a little tricky because I would love for that to be the end of it. And in a large part, it was. We went on about our day, went to dinner and a show, had a blast an mostly forgot about said incident. 

It wasn't until about 3 am. in that hotel room when everyone else was fast asleep that the enemy came in like a flood and that feeling of needing out settled on me and had me thinking that getting out of that room, out of that hotel and down onto the street for a minute was what I needed to feel relief. It would be funny if it wasn't so true. Sometimes the lies that the enemy tells us when we aren't operating with the mind of Christ just aren't even halfway logical. 

Thankfully though even though it had been many years since I had anything like this happen-it wasn't my first rodeo either. I sent Tim a text in the middle of the night and asked him to pray for me. He immediately answered and told me to go read Psalm 46. I did and it calmed me. Then I read it again. He told me to play Shane and Shanes versions of singing Psalm 46 and 42 until I felt better. He was right. It works every time. HE works. His WORD works. God is faithful.

~

I was recalling some of the less than beautiful details of this incident to a friend yesterday and we were laughing hysterically. The hard parts of life are so much more bearable if you can laugh at yourself....God designed us to be curious, to ask questions, to laugh and enjoy life. He is continually drawing us into relationship with Him and I will proclaim this until the day I go home to heaven....I wouldn't have the blessing of knowing Him like I do without this stinking thorn in the flesh. So therefore it is worth it. Knowing Him is so worth anything it takes to find that when everything falls apart you are really and truly held together only by Him. 

I so hope that when someone sees my life in snippets of squares on Instagram that they see there is a God that holds me together. He holds all of us together and has us carefully tended to in the palm of His hand. We are going to be ok. Life won't always be easy and as a matter of fact some hard days turn into hard seasons which turn into hard years. That's the gospel life. It will ultimately be redeemed in Heaven but we have no guarantee that it won't sometimes be hard here. The enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy but Jesus came to give us abundant life (John 10:10). 

The older that I get the more that I'm finding that abundant life is found not in everything always being perfect, but just finding Him in the midst of it. 

~

I share this with the desire that you remember that no ones life is perfect no matter how beautiful or aesthetically pleasing it looks on the Gram. And even if your struggle looks different than mine, don't you dare for a minute let the enemy stop you from living the life that our God intended. It won't always be easy, but it is so worth it to persevere! 

Go and live your life without fear as you trust in Him. Repeat that phrase to yourself and sing the Psalms over yourself as often as needed. God is faithful!

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Growing Pains

Yesterday our little "joyful caboose" as she's affectionally known in our house, got in the car at pickup line with a very pronounced pout. 

She buckled in without saying a word, just a look that said this day was a lot and I need help dealing with it. And then she burst into tears as we drove out of the school parking lot and the floodgates of her little heart burst open.

"I'm so dumb," she wailed. "I'm never going to pass anything!" I let her cry for a few minutes and then she began to tell me about how she had failed an AR test. 

I don't know if you all are familiar with AR but it's basically a group of reading comprehension quizzes given over a quarter. Each student has a goal that they have to meet. Sometimes this can feel like an assignment from the devil. I digress.

Don't get me wrong, I love reading and see the benefit. I love writing too, obviously. 

But in a busy family with older siblings sometimes meeting this little goal at the end of a quarter can seem like the last few miles of a marathon. Not that I've ever ran one or anything. But I imagine that's what it would be like.

So I'm not going to lie....I was disappointed that the test hadn't gone too well myself because she'd spent a lot of time reading those thirteen little chapters. For what seemed like nothing in return. 

I did what I always do and tried to put a rosy spin on it. For some kids that might work, but for Bella it went something like a small train wreck. She wanted those points badly. She had read that book and tried and dang it, she wasn't satisfied!

`

I remembered a time a few months ago when my teen boy was telling me a similar story and I immediately piped in with, "That's ok Tanner!" And then he proceeded to tell me in the same breath that sometimes instead of trying to fix something I needed to just hear him out.

Ouch.

But you know what? He wasn't wrong.

God made all of us different, each with our own quirky little spin on the world. Some of us see the glass half full, some half empty. Some see rainbows and sunshine and some tend to live under an umbrella waiting for the rain. And each personality-no matter how it is bent-is ok. We aren't cookie cutter images of each other. But we're each imperfectly human and all made in God's image. He gave us all different gifts and we're all a work in progress.

`

When we got home yesterday after I let Bella sit on her anger for a minute I tried a different approach. "I know you're so disappointed Bella. I am too." Instead of trying to fix her disappointment, I just acknowledged it. And I also sat with her in that feeling for a little while. I'm not sure how long it took her-I didn't really see it happen at any one moment-but she did shift. Before the night was over she had her joyful little disposition back and what her teacher likes to refer to as a "growth mindset." 

I love that. Lord give me a growth mindset too. Heaven knows I sure need it most days. Don't we all?!

`

To me one of the most beautiful things about motherhood isn't how flawless and perfect that it is most days. If I was ever waiting on that-I'd surely be disappointed most days just like my sweet Bella over her test that had gone wrong. 

Rather though, I just love the fact that we're all putting one foot in front of the other, one day at a time, trying and sometimes failing. But then getting up the next day and asking God to refine us into more of who He made us to be....that's where the beauty is found. The chiseling away of our rough edges doesn't always feel pleasant. But if we can keep our eyes on the goal ahead, it makes the growing pains a lot more bearable:)

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Known

Years ago when I first began to study the Bible I had absolutely no idea where to start. It wasn't like I'd never heard of anything of that nature, I had grown up in the church after all. 

The feeling I had about anything connected to the Bible was more along the lines of duty or a discipline though up to that point in my life. There was nothing rather delightful about the opening of the pages of scripture for me until one day when I needed it. 

Its funny how you can miss what's right in front of your eyes until you are forced to actually see.

~

There's a passage in Matthew chapter seven that speaks to the resources God has given us. Jesus is speaking about prayer in this passage and He says, "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened." 

This passage has been used by well meaning but misguided teachers to promote material gain and prosperity. But the truthful meaning is so much more beautiful. The Lord is asking us to seek Him here. His wisdom, His direction. If we're ever going to have our Lords spiritual blessings, we must persist in asking. We must keep knocking at the door. 

The resources had been there all along but I wasn't knocking or seeking. I wasn't asking. Until one day suddenly, I was. 

~

If you back up two chapters from the asking and seeking passage in Matthew you'll find Jesus's promise to bless those that hunger and thirst after righteousness. He promises to satisfy them. 

When life got hard I began to ask, seek and knock. The resources that had been available to me all along suddenly aligned with the desire in my heart and I began a pursuit. Just like He promised He would do, He began to satisfy. 

The method has evolved over the years but the pursuit is still the same. I basically pursue until I'm satisfied. And then I get up the next day and do it all again. 

Because, life. 

And also because I don't know about you but I have learned over the years I have a pretty big cup to fill. And that cup seems rather empty and drains everyone else around me too if not filled with the right things. THE right thing, which is the only thing that ever can or will satisfy the human heart. 

~

Last night we abandoned all sane thinking and took the kids to see a late movie. Naturally this morning I rolled over tired and debated staying in bed. But the hunger. It was just there so strong. It's not always that felt, but today for whatever reason, it was. 

I carried my bible into the living room, flipped on a lamp and found my passage of study for the morning, Hebrews 4. I underlined verse 12.  "For the Word of God is living and active, sharper than any two edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart."

Because my coffee hadn't quite sunk in just yet I didn't immediately make a connection. I studied that verse and just thought about how the Word exposes our hearts and enables us to meet our Savior in its pages. But then after a few minutes I remembered how I had sleepily considered laying in the bed that morning and been prompted to get out of it because of the verse of the day on the Youversion app.

What verse was that you ask? Hebrews 4:12. Of course it was.

~

Listen, here's the deal. I know that you don't always get the aha moments and sometimes we go to God's word and leave not really feeling anything and that is ok. Feelings are not necessary. Truth triumphs feelings all day, every day.

But sometimes?

Well sometimes God just moves among the pages JUST LIKE THIS SCRIPTURE STATES and He just comes alive. And when He does there is nothing, absolutely nothing in all of this world that can make you doubt just how real and alive and beautiful and Holy He truly is.

There is something so deeply satisfying about realizing were KNOWN by the one who formed us and made us in His image. The one who hung the stars in the sky and numbered the hairs on our head loves us so much that He is interested in and invested in the happenings of our every day. 

So why would we not go to His word and invite Him in?! Sure, it can be a little time consuming and sometimes yes it does feel more like discipline than anything.

But "Blessed are those who delight in the law of the Lord and who meditates on his law day and night." Psalm 1:2

There is nothing quite like the blessing of meeting Him in the pages and discovering all of the things He has to say to you through the scriptures. He sees you. He KNOWS you. He wants to reveal Himself to you. He is worth seeking. He is the prize. 

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Overcoming

 It's been a minute since I've written anything on anxiety and that's for a good reason. It doesn't cripple me anymore. There are plenty of days that it's the farthest thing from my mind.

But if you've read anything on my little square of the world wide webs then you know that this has been my thorn in the flesh. Just like anything else that I'm overcoming (we're all overcoming at least something) it ebbs and flows. Last week it flowed a little too much for my liking. 

Here's the unfortunate thing about struggles, we don't get to pick when they hit. They just do. And that's how I found myself last week in a beautiful place with my precious family, struggling.

We had planned for a while to take our family on a cruise for spring break. What I hadn't planned for was the fact that we weren't on the ship half an hour when I felt this overwhelming feeling of panic rising steadily. That's a great way to start out a vacation. 

I know very little about the brain and mental health in general but I've picked up on a few helpful tips  over the years. Here's one of them. When a traumatic response happens, a pathway is formed in the brain and it takes approximately 10,000 repetitions to form a new neural pathway in the brain. TEN THOUSAND. That's not stated to make it sound impossible, however it goes without saying that intentionality is a must.

One thing that I do when anxiety sets in is try to get out of wherever I am. It sounds crazy, I know. Years ago though when I went through a really tough time and one of those less than desirable pathways were formed, I would wake myself up or Tim would wake me up-trying to get out of the house. I would be at work sometimes and just have to go outside. Still to this day I do not like elevators or really crowded spaces.

As a little side note I'll add that a couple of weeks ago I was hosting a bunch of teenagers at our house for big weekend. One of the activities was a scavenger hunt which landed us at Dicks at the West Town Mall. Lo and behold if my group of girls didn't get themselves stuck in an elevator for almost an hour during said scavenger hunt. You better believe that as I stood there and prayed for them to get out I also thanked my Lord that I was not in that elevator with them. Yes and amen:)

Thankfully I've been at this a while now and Ive got a few tools in my belt as to how to handle myself.  When the panic started rising last week and my body wanted to run, my mind was not going to let that happen. It also helps that my sweet steady Eddy as I call him knows exactly when something like this is looming and helps me to back off the ledge I sometimes find myself on. 

I encouraged myself in the Lord (Psalm 42, 91) I ran on the treadmill and I read and prayed a lot last week.  Those are my go to's. They work, but I do have to be really intentional about doing the things over and over again that work for me.  

By the grace of God I was able to steady myself that first day but two days later those feelings surfaced again when Bella and I were about to go on an excursion. I wanted to just cancel it. Tim encouraged me to stay the course and I'm so glad I did but it cost me a good nights sleep and some digging in God's Word for peace about the day.

Last year I had the privilege of sharing my testimony with my sweet friend Brigitte and she spoke about the importance of staying tethered to the Lord in tough times. That phrase has stuck with me in the past year and I'm finding myself more now than ever, staying tightly tethered to the Lord. There's something about these middle age years that I'm in-one can either 1) cower down in fear and your world will become small or 2) continually tether yourself to THE source of help and don't back down from intimidating situations. I've decided that continual overcoming is crucial.  

Those who know me best know that home is my happy place and I am most comfortable there. So this year I don't think it's ironic that I have got more planned than I have in a long time. Again, by the grace of God, I'll overcome. I might have to take a little medication and read Psalm 91 while doing it-but with His help I will overcome!

Here's the thing that I keep coming back to the older that I get on good days, bad days, panic days or any day in between. We might not get to choose when struggles come but we do get to choose who we trust in. I trust in Jesus. He is sovereign and He is in control. He doesn't take a day off or have a bad day and He can more than handle all of mine.

I realize that some of you might wonder why I choose to share stories such as this and I'll be real honest here. There's two reasons and the first one is that in a social media driven society we all post the pretty and the happy. I put plenty of my cute little family in the squares last week and I'll hang onto those memories forever. I'm not sorry that I did-those pictures aren't fake to me, they're real and I want to remember every little detail. But they also don't tell the whole story and I so desire to be real. It takes more than a few words sometime to get the whole picture. Pun totally intended:)

The biggest reason why I'll probably go to my grave sharing about this though is that I know so many others who struggle with this very same thing. And if I can encourage someone along the way then I am going to do it. I have been a Believer for a long time and I believe that God didn't heal me from this struggle completely for a reason. He wanted me to trust and lean on Him more and to help others along the way remember that we will all be made perfect in Heaven one day! 

And until then we can still smile. We can still have joy, adventure and overcome struggles! 

With any struggle there are going to be days of victory and days with setbacks. Just because I struggled last week doesn't mean that I'm a failure or that the Lord is asleep to my problem. He didn't take a day off and I didn't do anything wrong. I am simply on my journey to heaven and haven't been delivered of this mortal flawed body completely just yet. The struggle between the flesh and the Spirit is real and somedays I'm a little less Spirit and a little more flesh than I like. That's ok as long as I'm intentionally always moving toward the goal. 

On the last day of our cruise last week I was in a hurry and got into an elevator myself (not something I do often.) As I traveled up the decks I let my mind go to the what ifs and slowly but surely I began to laugh. And then just to maybe give the enemy a kick in the tail I rode it all the way back down to the bottom floor again. In that moment it wouldn't have mattered to me if it stopped. It was me and Jesus, overcoming.

For as long as I have on this earth, I'll encourage others that they too can one day at a time, do the same.

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Unveiling Beauty: Finding Him in the Fog

Last week as our little town began to thaw out and the snow had all gone back home, I drove home one morning fascinated by the thick fog. Because I am not deterred by small things like the fact that I wasn't yet dressed for the day (who am I kidding, I never am at this time) I pulled over to admire the beauty looking toward the lake. 

Still dressed in my robe and slippers I dared not venture too far but I was able to grab a few pictures. It was too pretty not to. 

I thought about a few of my family members going through problems too big to fix on their own. Like finding their way through the fog, they're putting one foot in front of the other and making it onward one day at a time. 

Sometimes the only way to move ahead is to refuse to look back and just continue to do the next right thing. One small choice at a time the path inches on and opens up slowly. 

Even in my own little family I find myself more often than not just begging God for wisdom almost daily. There are no diapers to change these days, no little mouths to spoon feed. But the choices to make and deciding which path to take sometimes for these older kids is no small thing. 

This morning as I drove that same road and took my kids to school I started going over the evening for today and quickly moved on to tomorrow wondering about a few logistics. I was probably starting to sound a little overwhelmed because it wasn't long before the one who now drives us most days piped in. 

"Mom, don't worry about tomorrow. We'll figure it out. Just get through today first." 

Matthew 6:34 "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

It's a little humbling but also so comforting to hear your man child remind you of the principles you've taught him since he was young. Those same hands that I taught to tie shoes are now pointing to and reminding me to put into practice my Father's words. 

Sometimes I think that our children learn best from what they see us struggle with the most. My kids know the anxieties that I have to lay down daily. They know that I do best when I'm in close proximity to our Father. And at the ages the older two are now they can remind me how to make it through when figuratively speaking, the fog seems so thick.

My prayer for them-and for you today-is that you too will find Him so near. Until the skies clear and you can see clearly again, enjoy the closeness of the one who wants to surround you like a tangible mist in His sweet embrace. 

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Why We Do What We Do

For David, after he had served the purpose of God in his own generation, fell asleep and was laid with his fathers and decayed, but he whom God raised up did not decay. Acts 13:36-37

Last week we were sitting at Cracker Barrel after a loss at the state tournament when some sweet friends asked us if we'd join them at the FCA banquet. To be honest, I did not want to go because I didn't  want anything to do with sports or the like for a good while. I wanted to eat my chicken and dumplings and go home and build a fire because I'm all about the comforting myself with food and fires.

But we decided to go and were we ever in for a sweet surprise. 

Sometimes it's so easy to just get wrapped up in the rat race and forget all the reasons why it is that you do what you do. 

You get up and put on your clothes (or stay in your robe if you're me) and drive kids to school, go to work and then a few activities afterward, find something to call dinner and fall into bed just to do it all again the next day. It can all seem a little monotonous sometimes. And then when you don't get the outcome you'd hoped for like Tanner did not last week, finding purpose in what you do can be a little hard.

So when Jonathan Evans got up and spoke about this very issue the timing wasn't wasted on us. The gist of his message was his story of "Do it for Him" and that the reason we do anything that we do regardless of whether it is with sports or not-is to give God glory. 

When we do it for ourselves it is in fact all meaningless. The only reason that we're alive and breathing, on our way to heaven, moving our bodies for the purpose He's given us this side of heaven, is to bring glory and honor to the One who created us in the first place. 

Acts 13:36-37 says, "For David after serving God's purpose in his own generation, fell asleep, was buried with his fathers and decayed. But the one God raised up did not decay."

I love that David's life is recorded as serving God's purpose in his own generation. I've spent a lot of today reflecting on my own purpose and thanking God for the things He's entrusted me to do well while I'm here.

That means that the pile of socks I spent matching up this morning was time well spent because my family will indeed need them this week. It's a blessing to put socks together.

That time that I put into cooking chicken this morning and then wondered what in the world I was going to do to turn it into dinner was time well spent because my family will need to eat. Preferably something delicious but the verdicts still out on if I delivered on that one. Sometimes I get it right and more often than not I don't.

The miles that we will travel after school today taking the kids to sports and then church will be miles well spent because they're sowing seeds of worship. They're glorifying God with the gifts He's given each of them. They're serving Gods purpose in their own generation.

Even David though, in all that he did right, after serving the purposes of God in his generation he decayed.  But the One that God raised up did not decay.

At the end of the day I think that David was good at realizing it wasn't all about him anyway. He just lived, worshipped, messed up, repented and then worshipped again to serve his purpose in his time. And he spent a lot of time magnifying the One coming after him who would not decay. 

And because of Him we can live and move and have purpose in all of the little things that we do today and every day. When we make those little things about ourselves, whether they be hitting a little ball far into the distance or Ubering kids across town in a mini-van, or matching socks, or running a business or shooting a ball through a hoop, they become pointless. 

But when those things are done for Him, what we do becomes small and He is magnified. Less of us and more of Him. It's how the world see's Him in us.

It is Gods purpose for anyone's life to use the talents and gifts that He's given each of us to the best of our ability and further His kingdom with that gift until we're called home. And at the best we can do our physical bodies will decay at the end of this life. But thanks to Jesus and the power of the resurrection we will indeed one day rise in victory where death and decay will be forever defeated.

That victory gives purpose and meaning to every task, every job we will ever do this side of eternity. If we do it for Him then we live for another Kingdom. One that is so much more fulfilling than our own.

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Seek the Lord and Live

 Seek the Lord and live Amos 5:6

I remember watching a well known murder trial a few months ago. It was one of those where you couldn't help but become emotionally invested in the need for justice. My interest wasn't so much about the drama surrounding the courtroom as it was wanting to see the victim's family receive a fair minded end to their nightmare.

Such is the case in the book of Amos as he speaks prophetically to the children of Israel. The state of the nation had gone terribly awry from the way that God had originally intended. He had clearly laid out expectations for how others were to be treated in Exodus 19. But immorality had settled in and the poor were mistreated, people were sold and sexual immorality was pervasive in their land.

And as a prophet of God Amos was on a mission for justice and righteousness. 

He called for repentance and a return to all that is Godly in character. In chapter five he tells of the day of judgement that is coming and warns the people that the day of the Lord will be one of darkness and not light. There in the midst of evil he encourages the people to seek the Lord and live. Amos 5:6

Seek the Lord and live. That's the only way to ever really live.

Amos is seemingly calling God's people to a higher calling not because of any selfish concerns (I'm sure it wasn't favorable to deliver such messages in his day) but because our God is Holy. He wants all that is right for all of His people. He is not willing that any should perish but that all should come to repentance. (Luke 13) 

It's still the same way for us today if we will indeed seek the Lord and live as Amos challenged the Israelites to so many years ago. Those who truly know and love the Lord as Savior will not only wait for the fair end that is coming, we will also seek the Lord and live in the in between. 

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Beautiful Grace

The fact that it's taken me three months to sit and write this post might say something about the pace of life around here these days.

It's a good busy though and I wouldn't trade it for anything. It's not the filling up of white space with endless to do's but rather hardly finding white space because you're busy living.

Little Bella Grace was born to us September 23 last year and I can hardly type those words without tears because I could have easily missed the joy of her being here. She was not my plan. Any child born to me at all again was not my plan, but it was His. As usual His plan is like it always is and that's so much better than anything I could have ever dreamed or imagined.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Her name means beautiful Grace and she is all of that and more to me. She came to us at what seems to be the longest spiritual drought I have faced to date. It's a scary place to be and to be honest-I would rather wrestle my will against God's and come to terms with His good plan than to ever face that awful silence again. Spiritual silence is deafening.

Two years ago when Tim and I began foster care classes I was sure that it would lead to adoption. We finished the classes and got our first placement, three little precious children who desperately needed a safe place. When I think of them a smile comes to my face. They were precious and they were deeply loved. We were just their holding place for a while as they got to where they were going.

Then two more beautiful and I do mean beautiful children came a few weeks later. They reminded me a lot of TL and Q, being so close in age. That's always a handful but they brought each other so much comfort and joy. Again, we were a holding place though and the story of how the Lord took them to their forever family will never cease to amaze me.

I often get text messages with pictures or see updates of both of these sets of children laughing, smiling and thriving, each of them right where the Lord intended for them to be.

But for a long time I wondered, where does that leave us? 

We put our home on hold with DCS and began to think and pray about our children and our future. I thought that because we hadn't gotten that one perfectly adoptable child for us that we had been a failure. Failure when you're walking the path that you're sure God asked you to walk is a heavy weight.

I can look back now and see God's beautiful plan and how He was leading us and using us all along the way-but it didn't feel like that at all at the time. It's so unfortunate how the enemy can blind us from God's truth. For a while I couldn't see clearly and I let him steal my joy and cloud my view.

Fast forward to about this time last year when I suddenly didn't feel too well and you know the rest of the story. I was ecstatic from the beginning even though this wasn't my original plan.

I had more aches, pains, swelling and discomfort than my other two pregnancies combined but I think I began to come more alive the further along our pregnancy went. For me, finding strength and hope on the inside-and that's exactly what this baby was doing for me-is worth far more when it comes to feeling good than any exterior physical condition ever will be.

We didn't find out the gender but Bella Grace, Beautiful Grace is the name we had picked out for a baby girl. All along the way the Lord was pouring out his lavish grace on me, fulfilling my desires to nurture a life again and do what He's made me to do.

Sweet Bella has been nothing short of an absolute joy to add to our family. She's been a bit under the weather this week with a cold and congestion but she hasn't stopped smiling and grinning from ear to ear at us.

The other day as she curved those little chubby cheeks up at me-I could feel the Holy Spirit say to me, "See, I knew your heart all along. Even when you didn't. You still had more love to give and I just had to show it to you. If you gave it to five children in a short time, you sure have it in you to give it to one more for a lifetime."

Our story didn't begin here and I don't know if this era ends here either. What I mean by that is don't expect me to birth another sweet child anytime soon but my heart is wide open to any and all plans that The Lord might have for us as well.

Something else that I do know is that He is faithful, He loves His children and whatever we are to do and wherever He leads us, He will show us that plainly in time.

If you're reading this today and you're a bit confused like I was about what the Lord is doing in your life-be encouraged.

He is there and He is working even when His plan doesn't make sense to us at all.

Just because my measure of success wasn't what I thought it should be didn't mean that the Lord used us and our home to bring five precious lives into His wonderful plan. Now that the fog has lifted I can  say that without the shadow of a doubt that helping one child for just one day is success. And I would do it all again.

A lot of people say, "Oh those kids were so lucky to have you," but I think it is the other way around. We were the lucky ones.

They brought me perspective. Then sweet Bella birthed hope alive again in my heart-we might not have had her if the others hadn't given me a good set of glasses through which my heart needed to see.

And for your enjoyment, I'll end with what Grace looks like in our life at the current season.

Isn't it beautiful?!

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If I Had It All To Do Over Again

Today is the last day my little girl will be five.

Somehow this birthday just slipped up on me right out of nowhere. I went to buy her some nice little gifts yesterday and the fact that I spent most of my time searching in the little teeny bopper section at Target just didn't seem quite right.

Five is like a right of passage.

It's a big year of first's for the child and lot of letting go for the mama. I've watched my baby sprout wings proudly this year. She's learned to read well, deepened her little friendships and the coolest thing is that I think she really get's it when she prays. The way she talks to God just amazes me. She grows me because she makes me want to be more authentic with Him.

But at the same time those happy feelings have been mixed with me finding a year of a new normal. Yes, I admit that I have settled into a routine that I like just fine. Having time to work a little, actually clean my house through fully and have lunch with a longtime friend....well those are all things I have enjoyed.

Somedays though, I find my mind going back to those first few days of motherhood and recounting it all. There are many, many memories that I wouldn't trade for anything. Then, like most women would probably honestly admit, there's a few things I'd do differently.

If I had it all to do over again I'd start taking a chill pill the minute I got home from the hospital with a newborn. Not a literal pill of course, but I'd just change my perspective a little or a lot and not jump up and rush to do whatever it is that I thought needed to be done right then and there.

I'd sit and hold that baby longer, I'd snuggle him/her tighter and I'd buy a big fat fluffy rocking chair because I would be doing a lot of that a whole lot longer.

I wouldn't worry so much about whether or not they had a cute, current room with all the bells and whistles. Because quite honestly, the baby is never going to remember that room anyway. I'd be flying just to get them to sleep through the night in it, much less make it cute.

I look at the pictures on my walls of Tanner and Quinley and yes, I do count them as priceless treasures. But if I had it all to do over again I probably wouldn't dress them so fancy especially before the age of one. That was cute and all, but it was for me. I probably only made them more uncomfortable.

I wouldn't compare myself to other mom's so much and just focus on my own mothering and who God has called me to be instead.

I'd seek out the advice of older women who I admire and think have raised their children well, earlier and more often.

I'd trust my instincts more and stop googling everything.

I try not to get frustrated and raise my voice because all that does is make a child anxious.

I would definitely swallow my pride call on my little community of friends and family to help me more and not expect to do everything all by ourselves.

I would pray more because looking back on the little years of Tanner and Quinley's life, that is the single most important thing that has made the biggest difference.

Of course I would still spend a lot of time at the park. I'd made random trips to Dollywood to hear the squeals of laughter. I would even visit Disney again at an age too early for them to have a recollection of. Because they might not remember the trip but I will never forget the way their little chubby hands felt in mine watching the fireworks light the night sky over that castle.

Motherhood is hard work, it isn't all magical like a day at Disney. A lot of things you have to live and learn and figure only after the fact what your hindsight has told you was the right thing to do.

But it is the best work. And while every day isn't magical, it is marvelous because it is shaping a little life and it is shaping you into the beautiful creation that God destined for you to be before you were even formed in the womb.

I'm a little older and maybe a tiny fraction of a piece wiser now than when I had Tanner and Quinley.

And the cool thing is that even though I NEVER thought we would, we are indeed doing this all over again. Our new little one will arrive in September and the four of us are overjoyed.

I hope to do a few things a little better this time around.

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The Unexpected Slow

I'm sitting here eating breakfast this morning, enjoying the view of all of the beautiful snow on the pine trees across the road. I can hear my little boy, my early riser, in the room next to me already enjoying the day at home.

Tim asked me late last night what I had planned for today and I looked at him with a big blank expression and said, "Nothing."

Oh how different that would have been if not for this gorgeous snow. When the weather man brought in this winter system late Tuesday night, he might not have known it but he also handed me a clean slate for the next day or two, void of responsibilities outside the home. And with that, a bonus of unexpected little blessings from a few people that I'm very fond of.

Like this beautiful hilarious little picture Quinley drew and handed to me with the declaration that I am to, "Never throw anything away EVER that I draw again!" 

And  sledding down a hill with the kids and their friends and hearing the sound of their giggles over and over and over.

And baking cookies AND brownies and drinking hot cocoa in the middle of the day because why not overload on chocolate on a day off?!

And playing Uno and Old Maid and sharing pots of chili and meatballs with dear friends who live close by and could get to our house safely.

I realize that we couldn't do this every day and expect to function well in the real world. But I've also realized over the last thirty six hours that without pausing to live like this every once in a while, it's easy to lose perspective about the little things in life that matter most.

With every snowflake that falls, also falls the blessing of the reality of today and really living. 

I hear there's more snow in the forecast and instead of stressing about how many assessments I can get finished or how many loads of laundry I can get done today-I'm going to enjoy my family and the slowness that this time brings.

A few friends of mine were discussing back and forth on a group text late last night about plans for our bible study today and what that would look like if school was cancelled. One of them said, "I love the pause this time brings."

Well said dear friend. I couldn't agree more. 

Now I'm off to put on my snow boots and bundle up again for the next stint in the beloved snow.

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Point The Way

Angel Varney

Point The Way

The weekend had been a nice and long one with three days full of good times and laughter and void of a schedule. 

It was a holiday, the first one of the school year to be exact. Time was spent backyard barbecuing, dipping in the pool and watching fireworks at night. For a while mom even got to sit at the waters edge and chat with friends while the littles swam, splashed and dove to their hearts content. 

So when Tuesday morning came and those littles of mine had been dropped off at school I pulled into a parking spot, cracked the windows open and turned the ignition off to breathe and reminisce for a bit. 

(Please tell me that I'm not the only one who finds her vehicle a good place to pray, read, answer emails and just find five minutes of refuge some days.)

My five minutes turned to fifteen before I realized it and I quickly got out and hurried to rush inside. 

But before I even reached the front door I saw her struggling there and knew that I wouldn't be making it to the morning exercise class that I had intended to go to. The Lord had other plans. 

She was wearing a look I'd now recognize anywhere. The look resembles a deer in the headlights kind of fear mixed with a bit of blankness that comes from depression. 

She looked so very tired.

She was me.

Five years prior I had walked that lonely road called depression and by the grace of God I'd vowed after coming out of it to reach out to whomever I met struggling with the same foe.

She has big dark eyes and as I looked into them and saw my reflection it was suddenly me standing at the kitchen sink, or the checkout line, or by my car at any given place on any given day. The heaviness can sweep over you in an instant anywhere or anytime and make you feel as if a cloud the size of Texas has settled over your life.

I shook my own shoulders knowing all too well that my light needed to invade this darkness settling over my friend.

"Here, let me help you," I offered. I reached for something she was trying to carry and she burst into tears and fell into my arms.

That's how you know that you are one step closer to real help and freedom from this beast. When you can feel the brokenness and let the river of tears flow freely then your heart is good and ready for a revival of sorts instead of hardened and calloused to the pain.

I stood there and listened. I let her cry. I said not a word as she told me how angry she was at the disappointment her life had become. I rubbed the back of her head like she was my five year old child and listened some more.

If there's one thing I've learned through the years about an  encounter of this type,  it's that people often avoid helping or reaching out because they are afraid they won't know what to say.

The beautiful truth of it all is that transformation takes place not so much in what you say-but how well you listen to others that God puts in your path.

When she was finished talking we prayed together and I shared with her a bit of my story, because although I might not be able to fix what is wrong in her life, I can point the way to the One who fixed mine.

John has always been my favorite of the Gospels and I particularly love how in the opening verses of the fist chapter John the Baptist is described as a witness of the Light.

Not to be confused with THE LIGHT, he was just a good teacher of the way to the One who could set men free from darkness.

We were never meant to walk this path of Christianity alone. When we open ourselves up to testify and share with someone who is experiencing a pain that we too have experienced before?

It’s like turning a big chandelier on inside of an old musty cave. Light expels darkness every single time.

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Listening

Back where I come from the town is small and the ties run deep.

Friendships are made on playgrounds in Kindergarten and often carry through to adulthood. Such is the case with me anyway.

I'm sitting here watching my boy play the day away with his buddies and I can't help but wonder what bonds are being made over bike rides and dips in the pool.

Some of the little girls that I played hop scotch with at recess in elementary school are the same ones that were bridesmaids at my wedding. We grew up, got married and carried our children through pregnancy and infancy together. We also had to learn, as anyone else who is among the living, how to get each other through some hard times.

And more often than not that meant not knowing what in the world to say, so we got really good at listening over time.

Such was the case when recently a lifelong friend and I were talking our way through the feeling of  a lack of productivity that is often accompanied with the young years of motherhood.

I say feeling of with emphasis because that's exactly what it is. A feeling.  While we rely heavily on them, our feelings can sometimes be a far off illusion of the truth. While I desperately wanted to be able to bust out in a monologue that would bring any woman out of the throes of depression-the truth is that I just wasn't sure I had them.

So I sat and I listened.

I waited and nodded my head in humble understanding because the truth of the matter is that I've spent some time there myself. In that mode of wondering if the days that sometimes seem so long and unstructured are producing anything good.

It's a good breeding ground for discouragement in that space of time where loneliness meets monotony. One load of dishes after another, one load of laundry after another and it can all start to feel a bit less than the glorious making of something wonderful than it is.

I know this to be true because I've lived it.

And let me tell you the last thing I wanted to hear on any given day of a worthless feeling was someone to tell me how to get out of it.

No-what I needed was a good ear to hear me out. Because I think that the Lord puts deep inside of us a longing to reckon with Him about the way we spend our days and the way we feel our worth.

If I spend too much time talking and pitching in an opinion where I'm not even sure it's warranted? Then I risk talking over Him.

I've learned a beautiful thing while talking to my sister over the years. Sometimes we'll call each other, one of us with a big problem pressing to the front of our mind. Most of the time what I've recognized is that neither of us necessarily needs a great amount of advice from the other.

Usually just laying it all out there in the open air is enough. Before you know it, just stating the problem begins to start the working of a solution without even so much as another opinion.

Sometimes truth shines through like a radiant light when someone takes the time to close their mouth and turn their ear to listen.

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April

You know that old saying, "Life can change in the blink of an eye?" Yeah, that's turned out to be true. It's a little like balancing a tight rope for me because I've always been sort of carefree and laid back but with every year older that I'm getting comes another realization.

Be ye therefore careful.

And sometimes even in the midst of being as careful as can be, accidents are going to happen.

Thus was the case on Monday. What would have been known as an otherwise random normal evening grilling burgers turned into a nightmare right in front of my eyes.

Exactly what happened when and all of the details aren't anything I care to rehash at this point-I don't even think I could accurately recall myself. In short, April and I were just trying to light the grill and make some hamburgers and it blew up on her.

Sometimes a flurry of activity in an emergency situation is a bit like watching a lifetime flash right before your eyes.

Suddenly I was seven years old again, walking that sweet little thing into a Kindergarten classroom on her first day.

I still remember walking her off the bus and up the stairs into the school and the proud way I held her little hand in mine.

Two years her senior, it was my job to safely deliver my little sister to her classroom and to calm those big eyes full of uncertainty and fear. I'm sure I left her with comforting words but I do remember her Kindergarten classroom was at one end of the hall on the first floor of the building and my classroom was upstairs and all the way on the other end of the hall. It seemed forever away to me.

What was I going to do if she needed me? I wished that I could bring my class downstairs to be close to her.

All these years have passed and I don't know that I've ever thought much about that first day of school for her and the way I hated to leave her until now. Now we're in our thirties and just this week I stood and watched a helicopter take her away to the hospital and that was as much as I could do.

Helpless would be one way to describe how I felt.

Help-less but HOPE-FULL because time and again in my life as a mother, sister, friend I have went as far as I could for somebody and had to leave the rest up to the Lord. I'm human and humbled by the fact of just how little I can do and how incapable I am and how big and how capable He is.

What I have found is that it's times like these that we can experience the richness of our Lord so near. I believe that He's there all the time for us-He doesn't come and go. He's constant. It's just that we're more aware of Him when He is all we have.

I'm so grateful for God's healing power. April's airway could have easily been compromised. Holes were burned through her clothing but her body didn't get burned nearly like her neck, face and hands.

Just like years ago when I turned and went away into my own classroom, I am standing on the sidelines now watching her heal.

And I know that our God walks with her every step of the way.

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What To Do When the Scrambler Stops Spinning

The scrambler is always my favorite ride at any theme park.

Not much of one for a roller coaster with even as much as one loop, I'm the girl who sticks to the small rides. With two little people following along who are near waist high now, the scrambler is the perfect size for them and all the more fun for me.

I've stood in that line of anticipation a few times this summer and with one passing group of riders after the next,  I've noticed something.

Standing on the brink of what I call the next phase of motherhood, this summer has felt a bit to me like I'm on the exit side of a wild ride, about to exhale.

While some might call that a breath of fresh air, I call it frightening.

For years before I became a parent I would wonder what it was like. I remember walking through Gymboree and baby Gap and picking up the little clothes, the tiny shoes and wondering what my baby would someday look like. Would it be a boy or a girl? I never had a preference really and surely never dreamed I'd one day be blessed with both.

When my son was born I was so much at the beginning of the learning curve that something as little as changing his diaper intimidated me. I was in complete and total awe of him and I just had this eager anticipation to get it all right. I probably had a big fear of failure too, thinking there was a chance I'd also get it all wrong.

My children are close in age so soon thereafter it all began again. Just the simple marvel of a tiny little onesies, the smell of a newborn, the way that those tiny little fist's close and open up slowly-those are little breath's of Heaven given to a new parent.

I don't remember when exactly when it was that I took those little pieces of Heaven and jumped on a wild ride, but I did. Oh my goodness, I did.  We all do.

People try to warn you, "Take it all in, time flies I tell ya!"

Or, "Honey you better enjoy them while they're little because they sure grow up fast."

You smile and nod because that's polite and that's what you do but the minute they turn and leave you retreat back into changing diapers and cleaning up spilled sippy cups and breaking up fights and doing what it is that you do to get through the day. And the day after. And the day after that.

Until one day you're like me and the diapers stay on the shelf at Wal mart and there are no sippy cups to be spilled and all is silent and fighting has ceased. Baby fat legs turned into long lanky ones and walked themselves into school like big kids.

The ride spins, it turns whirly twirly and my stomach aches-oh it's a good ache and not a bad one. It's pure bliss.

It's a day in the pool, a day at the park, a trip to the beach, a trip to the library. It's meeting friends for lunch at Chik-fil-a for that hour of blessed chicken and regrouping while they play. It's afternoon naps, evening walks, catching fireflies past bedtime. It's building forts in the living room, crafts at the kitchen table and dance parties to Disney music.

It's a few times of, "If you do that one more time you're going to be in time out forever."

And every now and then a few scares and trips to the pediatrician with uncertainty that builds the faith of a patriarch.

Sometimes it's a moment so big it's like you're watching a movie and living outside yourself. They hit the ball out of the park, show kindness to a friend, walk away from a fight, read a verse of scripture aloud, bow their head to pray unprompted.

It's all that and more, this wild ride of motherhood. I wouldn't trade a moment of it for anything.

The funny thing about a scrambler ride is that though much of it is the same, it never starts and stops exactly as it did before.

There is no cookie cutter recipe for how to do motherhood. There's no instruction manual for a tiny human given out at the hospital when you check out to go home.

You step on to your ride, your own wild adventure and then hang on for dear life as the joy unfolds.

You belly laugh and giggle your way through because you never thought living like a kid again would ever be this good.

While my youngest goes to Kindergarten in two short weeks, I feel like we're walking out of the gate and they're two steps ahead of me running on to the next ride-one that they're big enough to ride alone.

I'm catching myself looking over my shoulder wondering how we ever got on there, rode and off again in what seemed like less than a minute. It all went by so fast.

Now I follow them along and into the rest of the park. A new adventure awaits.

 Theres a lot of uncharted territory out there.  Preferably, I would like to hit rewind and just get back in line and ride that scrambler again- but I'm sure this next one will be just as good or better than the ride before.

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A School Year Gone By

I walked him into his little classroom, my grip on his hand whitening knuckles for sure.

This was big, this Kindergarten thing, and I knew my mother/smother hen nature was fighting letting go as we made the trek inside. It's inevitable when it's school time.

What was once a choice was now a command.

We made our way in and found his desk and said hi to the pretty little girl sitting beside him. We took pictures with his teacher, helped him unpack his backpack and left him at a desk coloring a picture.

We waved goodbye to other tear filled eyes of parents as we walked out the door of the school.

Throughout the year, drop off got easier. We settled into a routine and eventually were able to drop him off at the door. And eventually he didn't look back and wave, he just ran right in like a flash of lightening.

That's how it's supposed to be in Kindergarten; exciting, carefree and full of expectations.

My boy graduated his first year of school last Thursday and is officially now a first grader. Looking back on the year is a bittersweet feeling. I'm so proud of how far he's come, how much he learned and   more importantly of the little man of God that he is growing into.

Next year I will have another Kindergartner and the whole process starts all over again.

But what sticks out in my mind more than anything at this point is just how quickly it all will go.

We will get little Ms. Q up and ready come the first of August and pack her lunch for the very first time. We will help her find her way to her class and I'm sure I'll cry as I leave the building on that first day.

Days will pass, she will grow and become more and more confident. I will see her blossom as she starts making friends and finding her little place among her peers.

Along the way, just like we did this past year, I'm sure we'll have some bumps in the road and some hurdles to overcome. Tanner had a few days of "yellow" this year but all in all it wasn't too bad.

I'm sure Quinley will do the same. If she's anything like me she'll probably talk too much and get in trouble for not being quiet.

She'll be emotional some days and come home crying after little situations among her friends that is typical for girls her age.

And we will watch it all again....one sunrise after another and one year after another until there is a cap and gown and the routine doesn't start all over again.

I read a caption not long ago that said the days are long but the years are short. I couldn't agree more.

I intend to fully enjoy this summer with my kiddos but I can not believe how quickly a year has come and gone by.

The grip on their little hand has gone from tight with white knuckles to a looser hand hold at best. Most of the time they are running off and going ahead of me. And I'm not far behind them, with a grin as wide as the state of Texas and a sense of pride that nothing could surpass.

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The Best and Worst of Me

One of the biggest misconceptions from this social media driven world we live in is that everyone else's life is perfect.

It's human nature to want to post cute pictures of our littles, the good things we've done this week and what all we're involved in and put it out there for the world to see.

And while there's a fine line there that I think need's to be drawn as far as airing our dirty laundry, I do tend to think it might be helpful if we were all a little  bit more real. How good is our testimony if all we broadcast is perfectionism?

So on that note, I'm sharing this story because the last thing I want people to think about me is that I'm all Mother Teresa-ish. Not because that wouldn't be great and wonderful, it would.

But that's just not reality. Anything good that I do is all because of Him....it's really none of me.

Last week while we were caring for our house full of sweet little girls plus one boy of mine, I had a not so wonderful moment. I have them quite often actually and when it only affects me, that's one thing. However, on this day, I let my meanness spill over and it was not good.

The day had been long and eventful, spent in court fighting for the very life of three of five babes under my roof. The outcome had been good and my mind was relieved, but exhaustion quickly set in as soon as I got home and most of what I was pouring out of me and into these little lives was like lemonade that needs a lot sugar if you know what I mean.

I was tired and my patience was getting pretty thin as the day lingered on.

I stepped outside with the four littlest ones when I heard my boy and his precious neighbor friend announce that the electric scooters didn't work anymore. They tend to do that when submerged into a pool.

"Really?!" I said yelled. "You really think that something like that is an ok thing to do?" They tucked their heads and my boy went inside and the neighbor child turned and headed home.

Shame settled nice and heavy on my shoulders in about five seconds. I tried to pick it up and throw it off but there's just something about that weight called guilt; it can't be removed with human hands. That can only be done with words of apology from a broken heart.

I'm not saying that I was wrong for correcting my boy. He does have to learn to respect his and anyone else's property. But it was not my place to raise my voice at either of them and definitely not my place to scold the neighbor child. He has a sweet mother who has handled that job for many years without my help.

So I did what I had to do.

Donning my big oversize t-shirt and ponytail high on my head, I strapped one baby in the stroller, put another on my hip and the other three followed me down the sidewalk to the neighbors house. Now that's quite a walk of shame let me tell you that much for sure.

I knocked on the door and made said apologies and we walked home talking about how sometimes mommy messes up and has to apologize too.

The only way little people are going to learn about grace and forgiveness is to see big people putting it into action.

Did it hurt my pride? A little.

But it made my heart feel so good that it was worth every bit of it.

Some days I give the best of me and some other days unfortunately, I give the worst.

At the end of every day though, I'm just like every other woman/wife/mother and that means I'm in need of a whole lot of grace. I'm so glad He has it to give.

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Downstairs

Today my house is quiet.

The littles are at school and here I sit out on the back deck reflecting on the whirlwind that has been the past five days. Birds are chirping, I can hear the pond ripping and the sun is shining bright.

Anyone one would think that's a great day, right? Yes, matter of fact it is. Except that I miss those three little voices.

The floor has been mopped and those little feet aren't tracking dirt across it anymore from playing outside. That floor looks pretty but oh how I would love to paint those little toes right about now. Or watch them make tracks across my kitchen.

My hands have washed dishes and made breakfast and lunch today. I've written out bills, run errands and folded laundry. But oh how I would love to reach down with these hands and pick up a little saying, "Hold me, Miss Angel."

My heart is content knowing that the Varney family is living out it's purpose but it aches a little too.

The sting of loss still comes even though peace has now been found and justice served.

When we first signed up for foster classes I was sure that I wanted to adopt as quickly as possible and be done with fostering as quickly as possible as well. "We'll take about a one year old," I thought. "Hopefully we can adopt and then be done."

But God seems to have other plans.

Because at three am we received a phone call Friday morning not for one or two but three littles....we knew the time was right. These children needed us.

It was a pleasure caring for them Friday and Saturday but it quickly became apparent that they had a loving father who had flown in from out of state unaware of the situation. That precious daddy loved his girls and he needed us to be his advocate. He didn't ask, I just knew.

So one event led to another, all set up by our amazing heavenly father and yesterday I found myself in a courtroom going to bat for dad.

As I sat there I remembered all the times that I had thought this is EXACTLY the kind of situation I would never find myself in. I never intended to go before a judge if it wasn't required. I'd rather stay home and play and rock children and leave the rest to the professionals.

Matter of fact, I met a sweet lady who has walked this road ahead of us earlier this year. "Be the advocate for these children," she said. "You put on your three piece suit and hold your head high. Fight for these kids." She freaked me out a little and I really thought I'd just never have to do that.

But again, God had other plans.

She was the first one the Lord brought to my mind as the weekend unfolded. I knew what I had to do. And although I don't own a three piece suit, I did put on my Sunday best and apparently it worked a little because when I arrived yesterday no one knew who I was without my hair in a ponytail and my t shirt on. Big smile.

I knew that if thing's went dad's way I would be grieving a little today-but he needed his girls more than I did. With a lot of prayer and a God sent lawyer, things did in fact go his way and when I walked through the door last night and told three little girls that they were going to daddy's house you should have heard the squeals of delight.

Our God is so good. He is so faithful.

Those three little girls slept in two of our rooms upstairs while they were here. Several times today I've cleaned up toys, folded laundry and headed that way. But I always stop at the bottom of the stairs. And that's ok.

I've learned that sometimes walking in God's will comes with a little pain. You know what? My sins cost Him pain too. If I can bring a little redemption to a broken situation?

Well you better bet your last dollar that I'd do it all again.

But today I think I'll just stay downstairs.

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