Overcoming

 It's been a minute since I've written anything on anxiety and that's for a good reason. It doesn't cripple me anymore. There are plenty of days that it's the farthest thing from my mind.

But if you've read anything on my little square of the world wide webs then you know that this has been my thorn in the flesh. Just like anything else that I'm overcoming (we're all overcoming at least something) it ebbs and flows. Last week it flowed a little too much for my liking. 

Here's the unfortunate thing about struggles, we don't get to pick when they hit. They just do. And that's how I found myself last week in a beautiful place with my precious family, struggling.

We had planned for a while to take our family on a cruise for spring break. What I hadn't planned for was the fact that we weren't on the ship half an hour when I felt this overwhelming feeling of panic rising steadily. That's a great way to start out a vacation. 

I know very little about the brain and mental health in general but I've picked up on a few helpful tips  over the years. Here's one of them. When a traumatic response happens, a pathway is formed in the brain and it takes approximately 10,000 repetitions to form a new neural pathway in the brain. TEN THOUSAND. That's not stated to make it sound impossible, however it goes without saying that intentionality is a must.

One thing that I do when anxiety sets in is try to get out of wherever I am. It sounds crazy, I know. Years ago though when I went through a really tough time and one of those less than desirable pathways were formed, I would wake myself up or Tim would wake me up-trying to get out of the house. I would be at work sometimes and just have to go outside. Still to this day I do not like elevators or really crowded spaces.

As a little side note I'll add that a couple of weeks ago I was hosting a bunch of teenagers at our house for big weekend. One of the activities was a scavenger hunt which landed us at Dicks at the West Town Mall. Lo and behold if my group of girls didn't get themselves stuck in an elevator for almost an hour during said scavenger hunt. You better believe that as I stood there and prayed for them to get out I also thanked my Lord that I was not in that elevator with them. Yes and amen:)

Thankfully I've been at this a while now and Ive got a few tools in my belt as to how to handle myself.  When the panic started rising last week and my body wanted to run, my mind was not going to let that happen. It also helps that my sweet steady Eddy as I call him knows exactly when something like this is looming and helps me to back off the ledge I sometimes find myself on. 

I encouraged myself in the Lord (Psalm 42, 91) I ran on the treadmill and I read and prayed a lot last week.  Those are my go to's. They work, but I do have to be really intentional about doing the things over and over again that work for me.  

By the grace of God I was able to steady myself that first day but two days later those feelings surfaced again when Bella and I were about to go on an excursion. I wanted to just cancel it. Tim encouraged me to stay the course and I'm so glad I did but it cost me a good nights sleep and some digging in God's Word for peace about the day.

Last year I had the privilege of sharing my testimony with my sweet friend Brigitte and she spoke about the importance of staying tethered to the Lord in tough times. That phrase has stuck with me in the past year and I'm finding myself more now than ever, staying tightly tethered to the Lord. There's something about these middle age years that I'm in-one can either 1) cower down in fear and your world will become small or 2) continually tether yourself to THE source of help and don't back down from intimidating situations. I've decided that continual overcoming is crucial.  

Those who know me best know that home is my happy place and I am most comfortable there. So this year I don't think it's ironic that I have got more planned than I have in a long time. Again, by the grace of God, I'll overcome. I might have to take a little medication and read Psalm 91 while doing it-but with His help I will overcome!

Here's the thing that I keep coming back to the older that I get on good days, bad days, panic days or any day in between. We might not get to choose when struggles come but we do get to choose who we trust in. I trust in Jesus. He is sovereign and He is in control. He doesn't take a day off or have a bad day and He can more than handle all of mine.

I realize that some of you might wonder why I choose to share stories such as this and I'll be real honest here. There's two reasons and the first one is that in a social media driven society we all post the pretty and the happy. I put plenty of my cute little family in the squares last week and I'll hang onto those memories forever. I'm not sorry that I did-those pictures aren't fake to me, they're real and I want to remember every little detail. But they also don't tell the whole story and I so desire to be real. It takes more than a few words sometime to get the whole picture. Pun totally intended:)

The biggest reason why I'll probably go to my grave sharing about this though is that I know so many others who struggle with this very same thing. And if I can encourage someone along the way then I am going to do it. I have been a Believer for a long time and I believe that God didn't heal me from this struggle completely for a reason. He wanted me to trust and lean on Him more and to help others along the way remember that we will all be made perfect in Heaven one day! 

And until then we can still smile. We can still have joy, adventure and overcome struggles! 

With any struggle there are going to be days of victory and days with setbacks. Just because I struggled last week doesn't mean that I'm a failure or that the Lord is asleep to my problem. He didn't take a day off and I didn't do anything wrong. I am simply on my journey to heaven and haven't been delivered of this mortal flawed body completely just yet. The struggle between the flesh and the Spirit is real and somedays I'm a little less Spirit and a little more flesh than I like. That's ok as long as I'm intentionally always moving toward the goal. 

On the last day of our cruise last week I was in a hurry and got into an elevator myself (not something I do often.) As I traveled up the decks I let my mind go to the what ifs and slowly but surely I began to laugh. And then just to maybe give the enemy a kick in the tail I rode it all the way back down to the bottom floor again. In that moment it wouldn't have mattered to me if it stopped. It was me and Jesus, overcoming.

For as long as I have on this earth, I'll encourage others that they too can one day at a time, do the same.