If I Had It All To Do Over Again

Today is the last day my little girl will be five.

Somehow this birthday just slipped up on me right out of nowhere. I went to buy her some nice little gifts yesterday and the fact that I spent most of my time searching in the little teeny bopper section at Target just didn't seem quite right.

Five is like a right of passage.

It's a big year of first's for the child and lot of letting go for the mama. I've watched my baby sprout wings proudly this year. She's learned to read well, deepened her little friendships and the coolest thing is that I think she really get's it when she prays. The way she talks to God just amazes me. She grows me because she makes me want to be more authentic with Him.

But at the same time those happy feelings have been mixed with me finding a year of a new normal. Yes, I admit that I have settled into a routine that I like just fine. Having time to work a little, actually clean my house through fully and have lunch with a longtime friend....well those are all things I have enjoyed.

Somedays though, I find my mind going back to those first few days of motherhood and recounting it all. There are many, many memories that I wouldn't trade for anything. Then, like most women would probably honestly admit, there's a few things I'd do differently.

If I had it all to do over again I'd start taking a chill pill the minute I got home from the hospital with a newborn. Not a literal pill of course, but I'd just change my perspective a little or a lot and not jump up and rush to do whatever it is that I thought needed to be done right then and there.

I'd sit and hold that baby longer, I'd snuggle him/her tighter and I'd buy a big fat fluffy rocking chair because I would be doing a lot of that a whole lot longer.

I wouldn't worry so much about whether or not they had a cute, current room with all the bells and whistles. Because quite honestly, the baby is never going to remember that room anyway. I'd be flying just to get them to sleep through the night in it, much less make it cute.

I look at the pictures on my walls of Tanner and Quinley and yes, I do count them as priceless treasures. But if I had it all to do over again I probably wouldn't dress them so fancy especially before the age of one. That was cute and all, but it was for me. I probably only made them more uncomfortable.

I wouldn't compare myself to other mom's so much and just focus on my own mothering and who God has called me to be instead.

I'd seek out the advice of older women who I admire and think have raised their children well, earlier and more often.

I'd trust my instincts more and stop googling everything.

I try not to get frustrated and raise my voice because all that does is make a child anxious.

I would definitely swallow my pride call on my little community of friends and family to help me more and not expect to do everything all by ourselves.

I would pray more because looking back on the little years of Tanner and Quinley's life, that is the single most important thing that has made the biggest difference.

Of course I would still spend a lot of time at the park. I'd made random trips to Dollywood to hear the squeals of laughter. I would even visit Disney again at an age too early for them to have a recollection of. Because they might not remember the trip but I will never forget the way their little chubby hands felt in mine watching the fireworks light the night sky over that castle.

Motherhood is hard work, it isn't all magical like a day at Disney. A lot of things you have to live and learn and figure only after the fact what your hindsight has told you was the right thing to do.

But it is the best work. And while every day isn't magical, it is marvelous because it is shaping a little life and it is shaping you into the beautiful creation that God destined for you to be before you were even formed in the womb.

I'm a little older and maybe a tiny fraction of a piece wiser now than when I had Tanner and Quinley.

And the cool thing is that even though I NEVER thought we would, we are indeed doing this all over again. Our new little one will arrive in September and the four of us are overjoyed.

I hope to do a few things a little better this time around.