Joy Is

Joy is found in the small things of life.

Ironic isn't it, since we spend so much of our days in vain pursuit of things that won't really matter in the end.

My people and I-we spent last week unplugged and away from the busyness of every day. It was joyful indeed.

The laughter in those little voices, the sunshine on their faces and the ice cream dripping from their chins, well it all did my mama soul some good.

While I love the memories that are made and the fun that is had by all-one of my favorite things about a week away is perspective.

Because somewhere in the middle of the piles of laundry and the dishes and  the how am I going to concoct some sort of chicken and call it dinner tonight there is a mundane dance that is too easy to acquire.

Sometimes that makes the little things like the way the light shines in your kindergartner's eyes seem too dull.

Or the way the freckles spot the nose of your pre-schooler seem like beauty that will always be there, so why stop and marvel at it today?

Sometimes? Well sometimes we just need a good reminder to slow down and enjoy what is being lived today. Because we aren't promised tomorrow.

Tomorrow it will not matter that we worked overtime today. Or missed a soccer game last Saturday. Or spent endless hours scrolling through social media. Or talking too much on the phone. Or whatever it is that we do-that doesn't really matter.

It is so easy for me to get caught up in doing what it is that I do-instead of being who I am called to be.

And who is that exactly?

Well, I'd say it's a lot of things but mostly at this point in my life-it's mama.

Going in slo-mo is crucial for me every now and then-because finding time to appreciate the small joys of motherhood is the good stuff that my life is really made up of.

And for me it's hard to remember that when I'm too busy.

Of course you won't find that information anywhere in the latest best selling self help book. It is not a number in the the course of "ten keys to success" or "twenty ways to make your life matter." 

We live in a world that thrives on busyness and I too am guilty of having a calendar with not enough white space.

But when I slow myself long enough to hear the giggles as we bike ride through a quaint little town, and when I look at life through the eyes of a five and six year old while building sand castles....perspective.

And with that perspective my heart is so content. So full of joy.

I don't need help juggling-I need help slowing down. Because just like tiny grains of sand passing through those little fingers....

so goes the moments of our lives. 

(No that was not a promo for Days of our Lives.) 

It just sort of sounded that way.

Joy to me is motherhood. And the million little things that go along with that role. 

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Keep Digging

This sweet boy of mine, he is always teaching me a thing or ten.

I'm so thankful that The Lord didn't make him an "easy child" because how boring would that have been?

On good days he is a delight. On bad days he is stretching me, pulling me out of my comfort zone. I love it that he keeps me humble and in constant conversation with the Savior on my parenting. I don't even pretend to have him all figured out.

The truth is that this sweet boy of mine is actually a lot like his mama.

It's humbling to see the best and worst of yourself in a pint size version.

I used to wish that I could tell him the hard lessons I've learned early on so that he could just skim over that part of life toward becoming the little person that God has designed for him to be.

But lately I've changed my prayer to sound a bit more like, "God this is an amazing child with a super strong will. He is strong, yet tender hearted. He is very opinionated but easily influenced at the same time. So I thank you for the wonderful person you've created and I want you to show him from an early age how to become all that you intend for him to be."

The fact of the matter is that I think I've been protecting my sweet boy too much.

Often times I can see him starting to get angry and I'll hurry and try to redirect him.

If I know that something is going to upset him then I'll do whatever it takes to avoid it.

There's nothing wrong with that sometimes-but my heart has been convicted lately that I need to let him feel anger so that he can learn how to deal with it in a healthy way.

I need to let him be upset, so that he learn how to cope with disappointment early in life.

That might sound mean and hard and cruel but the truth is that I wasn't much older than my boy is now when I vividly remember how I started figuring out that everything in life wasn't always sweet and sassy.

And the last thing I want to do is build a bubble around my little one that is so thick he'll never be able to see the world around him clearly.

We are on vacation as I type this. You would think that a week in the sand and sunshine would be giggles and grins and everything glorious wouldn't you?

You would be wrong.

Our little man wasn't feeling well when we started this trip off and that coupled with the lack of a routine....shazam. We found ourselves in the middle of a couple of off days for our boy.

I immediately did what I always do first, which was start thinking of ways that I could handle this and ways that I could make it better.

Of course, as a mom, it's easy to do that.

But then I made myself let go a little bit.

"Just trust Angel. Trust and believe he's going to be able to figure some of these hard things out."

That's always so much easier when you aren't right in the middle of a mess.

And then yesterday as I was watching the grumpiness unfold he did the neatest thing.

He sat down with his blue shovel and just started digging. He dug for quite some time and actually he and The Princess spent a few hours today doing the same thing again.

Not building a sand castle really, just digging for the pure pleasure of it.

As I watched him dig I thought about life and the times that you feel overwhelmed, overcome by frustration, anger, sadness, depression and all of it would surely overtake you if you didn't choose to keep on digging.

Sometimes for the life of you, you just look at everyone else and they all seem so happy and carefree, jumping in the waves and all, and you have to sit and dig.

But if you keep digging long enough you will find what you're after.

The joy everlasting that comes from Him, only from Him sometimes gets covered up with the messiness of everyday life.

Week after week and year after year of storms and waves can  overlap and bury your dreams deeper and deeper until you look around and it all looks the same.

Kind of like a sandy seashore.

When it does and when you feel numb from the frustration of it all-if you'll just go back to where you started from and start digging, it may not appear at once, but surely after while persistence pays off and what you're looking for will start to resurface again.

And like a six year old who's just been handed a double scoop of ice cream, you will cherish your treasure and relish in the joy of that which you spent precious time looking for.

Are you in a pit today? Keep digging friend.

I don't promise gold....I've got something better.

It's joy everlasting. It can't be bought or measured-it comes from on High and it is so worth every day you'll ever spend digging.

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The Loving and The Letting Go

You came and stayed for a little while.

When you left, a part of my heart went out the door in the other arms that carried you.

That's how this process goes, or so I'm learning.

The truth is that I've only waded into the shallow end of the pool and still have so much to learn about how to be the best mama I can be to the precious littles being brought to us.

Like for instance, how to love and how to let go at the same time. Remnants of your stay remain and I wipe tears for a while and smile at the same time.

Because the truth is, little one, that I'm still learning to adjust to the fact that you are gone and the little snacks on the kitchen counter are still here. There's a clean footed sleeper,  fresh and ready to be worn on top of the folded laundry pile and currently, no one here to wear it.

I dug through totes last night and found clothes for your age and size. You're coming back in a few days and I aim to be ready. But at the same time I put the baby food back in the pantry and pushed the high chair to the corner because it's not yet time.
The loving and the letting go....it makes for a wide pendulum swing of emotions on a mama's heart in one day.

I still don't know all that much about the way this all works. Even the acronyms that go along with all of the formal process can leave my brain feeling more than a little fuzzy.

But this I do know. I love children.

I love you little one.

And for now that's all I need to know.

Even though it's painful, I would much rather love deep and well and have to cry with the separation that goes along with this process, than to never know this kind of love at all.

It's all very strange to me still, even the deep love that I feel because my biggest fear going into all of this was whether or not I'd be able to attach.

Yeah, you took that fear with your chubby little hand and threw it right out the window never to be heard of again. Because when my eyes looked into yours a confirming piece of this puzzle locked into place never to be removed again.

We were called to walk this road. It got a little confusing at times, but you gave us all the proof we needed to know that this path that we're on? It's right.

I stand back and marvel at the precious ones who care for you night and day and have done so nearly your entire little life-and I wonder how I am ever going to be that strong. They are the very hands and feet of Jesus and there's no one I'd have rather looked to for a real eye opener kind of first experience than them.

They have blown the four walls of safe living down with a jackhammer and love you and show you Jesus without abandon. Your little eyes light up when they walk in. It's a marvelous miracle, that God can weave the fabric of two lives together into this beautiful story of yours that He's creating.

Whatever your story is little buddy, I know it's going to be great. Our God is FOR you.

No matter how much I think I love you, or anyone else loves you, He loves you way more than that.
He knew you before you were born into this world and knit you together in your mother's womb.

Even though you got off to a little bit of a different start, that didn't take Him by surprise. We live in a sin infested, fallen world and He arranged and rearranged the plan that would take place to put you right where you are today.

You are chosen little one, by the God of the universe. You are His child first and although what that's going to look like here on Earth is still a little fuzzy, I have full confidence that He will put you right where you're meant to be.

So I will love you and I will let you go.

I will smile and laugh when you're here and cry when you leave.

I will push you in the baby swing at the park, rock you to sleep when you're tired, hunt Easter eggs with you and take a million pictures along the way.

And when the van drives up to take you home I will load up your things, cry the ugly cry and smile through the tears as I wave goodbye because I trust God is working out all the details of your little life. His plans are far greater than mine could ever be anyway.

It's been one of the biggest blessings of my life already-to have even been this much a part of your story.

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Free to Live

When you take on something, you inevitably give up something else.

We're not superwomen. That's not who we're made to be. No matter how much anyone tries to portray that they can do it all-the fact of the matter is that none of us can.

We can however,  do all things through Christ who gives us strength. But I tend to think He gives us strength more for the Kingdom work that He needs for us to do-not necessarily all of the things that we might think need to be done.

It would be really easy for me to beat myself up, for example, when I see pictures of neatly organized homes on everyones social media. Because my laundry pile right now? 

It's where we've been getting clean socks from for the last two days.

And that bed is only made because it's the guest bed. Which means it hasn't been used since the last guest left two weeks ago.

Right about now the vacuum needs to be ran, the kitchen counter has Barbies on it instead of food 

which I should probably do something about before dinner.

(As a side note I have no idea why Barbie is doing push ups. Because I can almost guarantee you my daughter sees not much of this from me.)

and the living room? 

Well, the living room is being lived in. Which means it's the farthest thing from anything that looks like it's out of Southern Living or such.

Matter of fact, yesterday when Tanner walked in from school he laughed and said, "I can tell a baby has been here."

He was right and my heart was full. I still haven't cleaned all of those toys up because baby fever.

I'm joking. Sort of. Toddler fever is more like it.

The coolest thing about it all is that sure, even though at some point the laundry will have to be folded and put away, I will have to move Barbie and cook dinner and get the living room to the point that we can walk through it....

the fact of the matter is that although Superwoman I am not, I am a mother, wife, daughter, friend and sometimes those things take priority over house cleaner/chef.

If we have to order out tonight it won't kill us. If we get our socks from the laundry pile one more day before I put it all away, at least we've had clean socks to wear right?

I don't want to miss the wonderful opportunities to BE who God has called me to be and spend my days doing the things He's called me to do. 

Things like share and live this glorious Gospel, taking a meal to a friend in need, loving on some littles that we're called to love on in addition to my own and take an hour out to talk to and encourage a friend in need.

I might catch myself caught up in the beast of comparison and feel down on myself for a while, but by the help and grace of God I will get back up and I will march forward and walk the path that God has called me to walk.

The laundry can wait. 

The dishwasher is in charge of the majority of the kitchen mess.

Chik-fil-A is serving dinner.

Today I am not guilting myself.  I am going to LIVE.

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