Redemption

Have you ever had the weight of brokenness settle on your shoulders and stay there for a while?

I bet if you've lived longer than a few years you have.

And it doesn't sit there like a fluffy comfortable pillow either. It's a hard, heavy, cumbersome sack of a thing and carrying it around is not fun at all.

It settled on me Tuesday.

Here's the back story-
As our first foster experience we were given the opportunity to provide respite care for a sweet couple while they were away working for the Lord. So that meant two weeks with little chubby cheeks to kiss and love on. Every person who knows me knows that when it comes to anything like that, I'm in.

But the sweet kisses and cuddles and the fact that we even get to do this at all-means that there was at first brokenness somewhere.

This week of Passover that we're celebrating as we anticipate Sunday and the celebration of the glorious empty tomb....it means that at first there was a whole lot of wrong and a whole lot of hurt for the need of such a price to be paid.

And I think if we miss the heaviness of the sin that required such a sacrifice-we miss the beauty of the Cross.

As I sat Tuesday and fed a sweet little man some peas and banana baby food while waiting for his birth family to arrive for a visit, only to sit there a bit longer and longer and finally realize that they weren't coming-I felt the heaviness of the sin infested world we live in settle on my shoulders.

I looked into big bright blue eyes that don't even understand rejection yet and thought about the circumstances on both ends.

I wasn't mad, I was hurt.

Don't be fooled for a minute, but for the grace of God-that could have been me on the other side of the table Tuesday.

I could have easily been the one struggling, not showing up, not being the person that I need so desperately to be to the family I have around me.

Because it's not me-I get to see the other side of the spectrum and look straight into the face of the ones that the sin trickles down to and ends up affecting.

The enemy never sets out for just one. He is in it to kill, steal and destroy whole families.

And that's where it would end if Jesus hadn't ridden into Jerusalem on a donkey to the shouts of "Hosanna, King of the Jews." and willingly laid his own life down-

And because he was both God and man you know that although He knew what was required of Him as part of the triune God-head, he felt every lash of the whip with his man flesh that He so gloriously put on to be like us. The sting of the thorns on his head, the spear in his side and the nails in his hands and feet felt just like it would if that were you and I on that cross.

Deathly.

He did it so that every bad choice, every wrong move, wrong turn and the weight of the whole world's sins could be atoned for with one drop of His precious blood.

As I rocked sweet little foster babe yesterday I was more thankful than ever for the precious blood of Jesus.

I don't want his life to be lived in brokenness-and you know what?

It's not going to be.

Because of the cross. Only because of the cross.

Redemption can come to heal and bring restoration to people in unsafe, unwanted, unhealthy situations because the price of our Lord and Savior paid.

Sunday I will wake up three precious littles instead of two and walk into the sanctuary to praise my Jesus for the redemption He so graciously gave us.

It was needed, the sin debt could never be paid without it.

It wasn't cheap, He suffered beyond human recognition.

And it isn't wasted now, I hold a sweet new little redeemed by the power of the Cross.

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The Loving and The Letting Go

You came and stayed for a little while.

When you left, a part of my heart went out the door in the other arms that carried you.

That's how this process goes, or so I'm learning.

The truth is that I've only waded into the shallow end of the pool and still have so much to learn about how to be the best mama I can be to the precious littles being brought to us.

Like for instance, how to love and how to let go at the same time. Remnants of your stay remain and I wipe tears for a while and smile at the same time.

Because the truth is, little one, that I'm still learning to adjust to the fact that you are gone and the little snacks on the kitchen counter are still here. There's a clean footed sleeper,  fresh and ready to be worn on top of the folded laundry pile and currently, no one here to wear it.

I dug through totes last night and found clothes for your age and size. You're coming back in a few days and I aim to be ready. But at the same time I put the baby food back in the pantry and pushed the high chair to the corner because it's not yet time.
The loving and the letting go....it makes for a wide pendulum swing of emotions on a mama's heart in one day.

I still don't know all that much about the way this all works. Even the acronyms that go along with all of the formal process can leave my brain feeling more than a little fuzzy.

But this I do know. I love children.

I love you little one.

And for now that's all I need to know.

Even though it's painful, I would much rather love deep and well and have to cry with the separation that goes along with this process, than to never know this kind of love at all.

It's all very strange to me still, even the deep love that I feel because my biggest fear going into all of this was whether or not I'd be able to attach.

Yeah, you took that fear with your chubby little hand and threw it right out the window never to be heard of again. Because when my eyes looked into yours a confirming piece of this puzzle locked into place never to be removed again.

We were called to walk this road. It got a little confusing at times, but you gave us all the proof we needed to know that this path that we're on? It's right.

I stand back and marvel at the precious ones who care for you night and day and have done so nearly your entire little life-and I wonder how I am ever going to be that strong. They are the very hands and feet of Jesus and there's no one I'd have rather looked to for a real eye opener kind of first experience than them.

They have blown the four walls of safe living down with a jackhammer and love you and show you Jesus without abandon. Your little eyes light up when they walk in. It's a marvelous miracle, that God can weave the fabric of two lives together into this beautiful story of yours that He's creating.

Whatever your story is little buddy, I know it's going to be great. Our God is FOR you.

No matter how much I think I love you, or anyone else loves you, He loves you way more than that.
He knew you before you were born into this world and knit you together in your mother's womb.

Even though you got off to a little bit of a different start, that didn't take Him by surprise. We live in a sin infested, fallen world and He arranged and rearranged the plan that would take place to put you right where you are today.

You are chosen little one, by the God of the universe. You are His child first and although what that's going to look like here on Earth is still a little fuzzy, I have full confidence that He will put you right where you're meant to be.

So I will love you and I will let you go.

I will smile and laugh when you're here and cry when you leave.

I will push you in the baby swing at the park, rock you to sleep when you're tired, hunt Easter eggs with you and take a million pictures along the way.

And when the van drives up to take you home I will load up your things, cry the ugly cry and smile through the tears as I wave goodbye because I trust God is working out all the details of your little life. His plans are far greater than mine could ever be anyway.

It's been one of the biggest blessings of my life already-to have even been this much a part of your story.

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Don't Lose Hope

Sometimes.....well sometimes that little glimmer of hope you've been waiting for....it just finds a way to crack through the clouds like a ray of sun on a cold winter day. When it does, it warms the heart and it makes music to the soul that sounds a bit like this,

"I see a little improvement today ma'am. We'll do further testing again in two weeks to confirm."

That was what came spilling out of me and onto social media last Thursday as the littles and I walked, skipped, RAN WITH JOY to the car after leaving the Dr.'s office.

Just a few hours prior, we had a lot of questions, but we also had a lot of hope. Because that's what keeps you going, right? "You can lose everything girl and you'll be fine. But if you ever lose your hope, you've lost it all." Once spoken to me by a woman with wisdom beyond her years, I've clung to that line like a bee on honey ever since.

On our way to the appointment, as we made our way off of the exit ramp and were getting a little closer to the hospital my boy had asked me, "Mama what do you think they're going to say today?"

 "Well I don't really know son," I told him. Because I don't.

 "But if I had to guess I'd say we might hear some good news," I told him. Because if I'm going to err, it's always going to be on the side of optimism.

 There's a beautiful young woman I've become aquainted with and she's dying on the other side of town. She's got two precious children and what should be her whole life full of promise ahead of her. Yet she knows that she doesn't have much longer to live here on this Earth. What does she say nearly every time I talk to her? She says that she knows God knows best and she's just going to trust in Him. No doubt about it, her body is probably racked with pain sometimes. But she doesn't lose her hope.

 A friend I've known for years just got the news that her child has leukemia.

 A sweet young lady fights for her life and the life of her precious child at the homeless shelter. A life torn apart by addictions and unfortunate circumstances, she is trying to piece it back together again and have some sense of normalcy for herself and her child.

What would any of these people do, what would I myself do....if it weren't for the hope that is found in our Savior Jesus Christ? Romans 8:24 says that hope that is seen is no hope at all. Hope that is seen is called evidence. But hope that is not seen? That's called faith.

To the woman whose child awaits good news, to the young mother dying with cancer, to the woman whose child suffers from leukemia and the girl fighting for her life in the homeless shelter, what does hope look like for them?

The next verse says that we hope for what we do not have and we wait for it patiently.

Eleven was our number. For nearly one full year we got one bad report after another concerning my boy's kidney situation. And then after eleven months we walked into a hospital room one day and were told that it looks like we've rounded a corner. There is some improvement in the situation and low and behold hope delivered and a light could be seen at the end of the tunnel.

Friend, I don't know what your number might be, but I do know if you will wait patiently for it then you will see hope bring life to your circumstances.

That looks different for each and every situation. The good thing is that we know that in all things, ALL THINGS, God will work the situation out for the good of those who love Him.

That means that HE will work it out for our good even when we don't like what the outcome is. Even when it isn't what we thought it should be. Even if my boy has to have surgery again, even if he loses his kidney, if the young mother dies from cancer, the child suffers from her disease and the mother doesn't get her life back on track as quickly as she'd have liked, God is still at work. And he can turn each and every bad outcome from each circumstance into something He can use for our good.

For our good and for His glory.

I don't think you can go anywhere else in this world and find odds that will beat that. What a mighty God we serve.

We live in a fallen, sin-infested world and there will always be death, delay, disease and disruptions to contend with. But we have this glorious hope.... (Titus 2:13)

For that I am so grateful.

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Resolution to Hope

You've seen them glaring at you like a deer in the headlights as you scroll through any social media news feed.

 The beginning of any new year is filled to the brim and running over with newness and promises. Full of resolutions and good intentions, the masses are set to make a change as the calendar year turns a fresh page.

 But what if you're like me and you're just not sure about this new year? And what if you hardly know what to resolutely change because you aren't even sure of the state of everything that is in the interim?

What if you hardly know what the first week of January is going to hold, much less the remaining eleven months? 

Because it's easy to make plans and set dates with goals when you feel like you've got a pretty good grip of control on your life, but what about those plans that you just have to surrender simply because you've got more questions than answers at the time?

 All of that is what crowded in my mind as I brought in the first day of 2015.

 I'm usually pretty good with being laid back and going with the flow, but even for this non type A girl that I am, I still like to have at least some sort of a plan.

 So when the only real plan that I could come up with was to open that app that my man challeneged me to...that one that divides out the reading of The Word in a year? Well, that's what I did. Even though I'm not a fan of a checklist, I do like a challenge. Especially when God's Word is involved.

 I open the book, thinking I can fill in the box next to Romans chapter eight and I begin to read. I come across a verse that says, "Hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently."

Intrigued,  I read on and the beautiful scripture that says,  "We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" really starts tugging at my heart. 

There in the middle of the book of Romans I find my resolution.

The truth of the matter is that I really don't need a new goal for the year at all. What I need is the realization that God already knows every intricate detail of this year.

What is my job? My job is simply to hope.

Hope for what I do not have and hope for what I can not see.

Then when I do not yet see what I have hoped for? I'm to wait patiently for it until indeed I do see it. 

My mama bear heart aches with hope for a change in the wellness of my little man child in this new year.

Next week we will walk into a building that has become all too familiar. We will sit and wait for our name to be called. We will walk down a long hallway and into a sterile room where an ultrasound will be done on his left kidney.

We've done this enough now that I will look at the screen and before the Doctor even confirms whether or not we have had sucess or failure this time, I will know. I will know if this chapter of our lives is coming to a close or if it indeed has a few more pages, or chapters perhaps, to be written.

 Either way it goes, I have this hope....this glorious hope and we will walk into the rest of the new year full of it.

Full of promise, because even if the screen doesn't really say what I think it should, We know that in all things, ALL THINGS, God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. 

Whether that looks the way I think it should or not, may our God receive all of the glory and may His perfect will be done. He will work everything out for our good. His word says it and I believe it.

Here's to some HOPE for the new year.

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