Growing Pains

Yesterday our little "joyful caboose" as she's affectionally known in our house, got in the car at pickup line with a very pronounced pout. 

She buckled in without saying a word, just a look that said this day was a lot and I need help dealing with it. And then she burst into tears as we drove out of the school parking lot and the floodgates of her little heart burst open.

"I'm so dumb," she wailed. "I'm never going to pass anything!" I let her cry for a few minutes and then she began to tell me about how she had failed an AR test. 

I don't know if you all are familiar with AR but it's basically a group of reading comprehension quizzes given over a quarter. Each student has a goal that they have to meet. Sometimes this can feel like an assignment from the devil. I digress.

Don't get me wrong, I love reading and see the benefit. I love writing too, obviously. 

But in a busy family with older siblings sometimes meeting this little goal at the end of a quarter can seem like the last few miles of a marathon. Not that I've ever ran one or anything. But I imagine that's what it would be like.

So I'm not going to lie....I was disappointed that the test hadn't gone too well myself because she'd spent a lot of time reading those thirteen little chapters. For what seemed like nothing in return. 

I did what I always do and tried to put a rosy spin on it. For some kids that might work, but for Bella it went something like a small train wreck. She wanted those points badly. She had read that book and tried and dang it, she wasn't satisfied!

`

I remembered a time a few months ago when my teen boy was telling me a similar story and I immediately piped in with, "That's ok Tanner!" And then he proceeded to tell me in the same breath that sometimes instead of trying to fix something I needed to just hear him out.

Ouch.

But you know what? He wasn't wrong.

God made all of us different, each with our own quirky little spin on the world. Some of us see the glass half full, some half empty. Some see rainbows and sunshine and some tend to live under an umbrella waiting for the rain. And each personality-no matter how it is bent-is ok. We aren't cookie cutter images of each other. But we're each imperfectly human and all made in God's image. He gave us all different gifts and we're all a work in progress.

`

When we got home yesterday after I let Bella sit on her anger for a minute I tried a different approach. "I know you're so disappointed Bella. I am too." Instead of trying to fix her disappointment, I just acknowledged it. And I also sat with her in that feeling for a little while. I'm not sure how long it took her-I didn't really see it happen at any one moment-but she did shift. Before the night was over she had her joyful little disposition back and what her teacher likes to refer to as a "growth mindset." 

I love that. Lord give me a growth mindset too. Heaven knows I sure need it most days. Don't we all?!

`

To me one of the most beautiful things about motherhood isn't how flawless and perfect that it is most days. If I was ever waiting on that-I'd surely be disappointed most days just like my sweet Bella over her test that had gone wrong. 

Rather though, I just love the fact that we're all putting one foot in front of the other, one day at a time, trying and sometimes failing. But then getting up the next day and asking God to refine us into more of who He made us to be....that's where the beauty is found. The chiseling away of our rough edges doesn't always feel pleasant. But if we can keep our eyes on the goal ahead, it makes the growing pains a lot more bearable:)

Read More

Known

Years ago when I first began to study the Bible I had absolutely no idea where to start. It wasn't like I'd never heard of anything of that nature, I had grown up in the church after all. 

The feeling I had about anything connected to the Bible was more along the lines of duty or a discipline though up to that point in my life. There was nothing rather delightful about the opening of the pages of scripture for me until one day when I needed it. 

Its funny how you can miss what's right in front of your eyes until you are forced to actually see.

~

There's a passage in Matthew chapter seven that speaks to the resources God has given us. Jesus is speaking about prayer in this passage and He says, "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened." 

This passage has been used by well meaning but misguided teachers to promote material gain and prosperity. But the truthful meaning is so much more beautiful. The Lord is asking us to seek Him here. His wisdom, His direction. If we're ever going to have our Lords spiritual blessings, we must persist in asking. We must keep knocking at the door. 

The resources had been there all along but I wasn't knocking or seeking. I wasn't asking. Until one day suddenly, I was. 

~

If you back up two chapters from the asking and seeking passage in Matthew you'll find Jesus's promise to bless those that hunger and thirst after righteousness. He promises to satisfy them. 

When life got hard I began to ask, seek and knock. The resources that had been available to me all along suddenly aligned with the desire in my heart and I began a pursuit. Just like He promised He would do, He began to satisfy. 

The method has evolved over the years but the pursuit is still the same. I basically pursue until I'm satisfied. And then I get up the next day and do it all again. 

Because, life. 

And also because I don't know about you but I have learned over the years I have a pretty big cup to fill. And that cup seems rather empty and drains everyone else around me too if not filled with the right things. THE right thing, which is the only thing that ever can or will satisfy the human heart. 

~

Last night we abandoned all sane thinking and took the kids to see a late movie. Naturally this morning I rolled over tired and debated staying in bed. But the hunger. It was just there so strong. It's not always that felt, but today for whatever reason, it was. 

I carried my bible into the living room, flipped on a lamp and found my passage of study for the morning, Hebrews 4. I underlined verse 12.  "For the Word of God is living and active, sharper than any two edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart."

Because my coffee hadn't quite sunk in just yet I didn't immediately make a connection. I studied that verse and just thought about how the Word exposes our hearts and enables us to meet our Savior in its pages. But then after a few minutes I remembered how I had sleepily considered laying in the bed that morning and been prompted to get out of it because of the verse of the day on the Youversion app.

What verse was that you ask? Hebrews 4:12. Of course it was.

~

Listen, here's the deal. I know that you don't always get the aha moments and sometimes we go to God's word and leave not really feeling anything and that is ok. Feelings are not necessary. Truth triumphs feelings all day, every day.

But sometimes?

Well sometimes God just moves among the pages JUST LIKE THIS SCRIPTURE STATES and He just comes alive. And when He does there is nothing, absolutely nothing in all of this world that can make you doubt just how real and alive and beautiful and Holy He truly is.

There is something so deeply satisfying about realizing were KNOWN by the one who formed us and made us in His image. The one who hung the stars in the sky and numbered the hairs on our head loves us so much that He is interested in and invested in the happenings of our every day. 

So why would we not go to His word and invite Him in?! Sure, it can be a little time consuming and sometimes yes it does feel more like discipline than anything.

But "Blessed are those who delight in the law of the Lord and who meditates on his law day and night." Psalm 1:2

There is nothing quite like the blessing of meeting Him in the pages and discovering all of the things He has to say to you through the scriptures. He sees you. He KNOWS you. He wants to reveal Himself to you. He is worth seeking. He is the prize. 

Read More

Overcoming

 It's been a minute since I've written anything on anxiety and that's for a good reason. It doesn't cripple me anymore. There are plenty of days that it's the farthest thing from my mind.

But if you've read anything on my little square of the world wide webs then you know that this has been my thorn in the flesh. Just like anything else that I'm overcoming (we're all overcoming at least something) it ebbs and flows. Last week it flowed a little too much for my liking. 

Here's the unfortunate thing about struggles, we don't get to pick when they hit. They just do. And that's how I found myself last week in a beautiful place with my precious family, struggling.

We had planned for a while to take our family on a cruise for spring break. What I hadn't planned for was the fact that we weren't on the ship half an hour when I felt this overwhelming feeling of panic rising steadily. That's a great way to start out a vacation. 

I know very little about the brain and mental health in general but I've picked up on a few helpful tips  over the years. Here's one of them. When a traumatic response happens, a pathway is formed in the brain and it takes approximately 10,000 repetitions to form a new neural pathway in the brain. TEN THOUSAND. That's not stated to make it sound impossible, however it goes without saying that intentionality is a must.

One thing that I do when anxiety sets in is try to get out of wherever I am. It sounds crazy, I know. Years ago though when I went through a really tough time and one of those less than desirable pathways were formed, I would wake myself up or Tim would wake me up-trying to get out of the house. I would be at work sometimes and just have to go outside. Still to this day I do not like elevators or really crowded spaces.

As a little side note I'll add that a couple of weeks ago I was hosting a bunch of teenagers at our house for big weekend. One of the activities was a scavenger hunt which landed us at Dicks at the West Town Mall. Lo and behold if my group of girls didn't get themselves stuck in an elevator for almost an hour during said scavenger hunt. You better believe that as I stood there and prayed for them to get out I also thanked my Lord that I was not in that elevator with them. Yes and amen:)

Thankfully I've been at this a while now and Ive got a few tools in my belt as to how to handle myself.  When the panic started rising last week and my body wanted to run, my mind was not going to let that happen. It also helps that my sweet steady Eddy as I call him knows exactly when something like this is looming and helps me to back off the ledge I sometimes find myself on. 

I encouraged myself in the Lord (Psalm 42, 91) I ran on the treadmill and I read and prayed a lot last week.  Those are my go to's. They work, but I do have to be really intentional about doing the things over and over again that work for me.  

By the grace of God I was able to steady myself that first day but two days later those feelings surfaced again when Bella and I were about to go on an excursion. I wanted to just cancel it. Tim encouraged me to stay the course and I'm so glad I did but it cost me a good nights sleep and some digging in God's Word for peace about the day.

Last year I had the privilege of sharing my testimony with my sweet friend Brigitte and she spoke about the importance of staying tethered to the Lord in tough times. That phrase has stuck with me in the past year and I'm finding myself more now than ever, staying tightly tethered to the Lord. There's something about these middle age years that I'm in-one can either 1) cower down in fear and your world will become small or 2) continually tether yourself to THE source of help and don't back down from intimidating situations. I've decided that continual overcoming is crucial.  

Those who know me best know that home is my happy place and I am most comfortable there. So this year I don't think it's ironic that I have got more planned than I have in a long time. Again, by the grace of God, I'll overcome. I might have to take a little medication and read Psalm 91 while doing it-but with His help I will overcome!

Here's the thing that I keep coming back to the older that I get on good days, bad days, panic days or any day in between. We might not get to choose when struggles come but we do get to choose who we trust in. I trust in Jesus. He is sovereign and He is in control. He doesn't take a day off or have a bad day and He can more than handle all of mine.

I realize that some of you might wonder why I choose to share stories such as this and I'll be real honest here. There's two reasons and the first one is that in a social media driven society we all post the pretty and the happy. I put plenty of my cute little family in the squares last week and I'll hang onto those memories forever. I'm not sorry that I did-those pictures aren't fake to me, they're real and I want to remember every little detail. But they also don't tell the whole story and I so desire to be real. It takes more than a few words sometime to get the whole picture. Pun totally intended:)

The biggest reason why I'll probably go to my grave sharing about this though is that I know so many others who struggle with this very same thing. And if I can encourage someone along the way then I am going to do it. I have been a Believer for a long time and I believe that God didn't heal me from this struggle completely for a reason. He wanted me to trust and lean on Him more and to help others along the way remember that we will all be made perfect in Heaven one day! 

And until then we can still smile. We can still have joy, adventure and overcome struggles! 

With any struggle there are going to be days of victory and days with setbacks. Just because I struggled last week doesn't mean that I'm a failure or that the Lord is asleep to my problem. He didn't take a day off and I didn't do anything wrong. I am simply on my journey to heaven and haven't been delivered of this mortal flawed body completely just yet. The struggle between the flesh and the Spirit is real and somedays I'm a little less Spirit and a little more flesh than I like. That's ok as long as I'm intentionally always moving toward the goal. 

On the last day of our cruise last week I was in a hurry and got into an elevator myself (not something I do often.) As I traveled up the decks I let my mind go to the what ifs and slowly but surely I began to laugh. And then just to maybe give the enemy a kick in the tail I rode it all the way back down to the bottom floor again. In that moment it wouldn't have mattered to me if it stopped. It was me and Jesus, overcoming.

For as long as I have on this earth, I'll encourage others that they too can one day at a time, do the same.

Read More

Unveiling Beauty: Finding Him in the Fog

Last week as our little town began to thaw out and the snow had all gone back home, I drove home one morning fascinated by the thick fog. Because I am not deterred by small things like the fact that I wasn't yet dressed for the day (who am I kidding, I never am at this time) I pulled over to admire the beauty looking toward the lake. 

Still dressed in my robe and slippers I dared not venture too far but I was able to grab a few pictures. It was too pretty not to. 

I thought about a few of my family members going through problems too big to fix on their own. Like finding their way through the fog, they're putting one foot in front of the other and making it onward one day at a time. 

Sometimes the only way to move ahead is to refuse to look back and just continue to do the next right thing. One small choice at a time the path inches on and opens up slowly. 

Even in my own little family I find myself more often than not just begging God for wisdom almost daily. There are no diapers to change these days, no little mouths to spoon feed. But the choices to make and deciding which path to take sometimes for these older kids is no small thing. 

This morning as I drove that same road and took my kids to school I started going over the evening for today and quickly moved on to tomorrow wondering about a few logistics. I was probably starting to sound a little overwhelmed because it wasn't long before the one who now drives us most days piped in. 

"Mom, don't worry about tomorrow. We'll figure it out. Just get through today first." 

Matthew 6:34 "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

It's a little humbling but also so comforting to hear your man child remind you of the principles you've taught him since he was young. Those same hands that I taught to tie shoes are now pointing to and reminding me to put into practice my Father's words. 

Sometimes I think that our children learn best from what they see us struggle with the most. My kids know the anxieties that I have to lay down daily. They know that I do best when I'm in close proximity to our Father. And at the ages the older two are now they can remind me how to make it through when figuratively speaking, the fog seems so thick.

My prayer for them-and for you today-is that you too will find Him so near. Until the skies clear and you can see clearly again, enjoy the closeness of the one who wants to surround you like a tangible mist in His sweet embrace. 

Read More