NYC Elevators and a Faithful God

Sometimes I feel so torn by this digital age that we're living in. I love the convenience, the easy access to everything and the pretty pictures. All of the pretty pictures...timehop can have me in a puddle of tears over how fast my babies have grown and I can catch up on our out of town families beautiful weekend shenanigans all in one sitting. 

While there is something to be said about capturing the good and putting it out there to preserve for our own memories and also for the world to see, I do think it can be a bit misleading at times. There's a fine balance of capturing the good while also remaining authentic.

I desire to do both, but it's hard sometimes.

This past weekend when I took my sweet mama and my girls to NYC and documented my memories, I kind of thought it might be a good time to take the time to go a little deeper than the pictures. I always desire to encourage others that even though those live shots to beautiful melodies might make everything seem beautiful and easy and whimsical and fun-sometimes there's a little more to the story. And it's so worth telling because that's where the good stuff is found.

~

Many, many years ago when I struggled with anxiety at my worst I had this lingering sense of wanting to get out. I would wake up panicking in the night and have to go out on the porch and look up at the stars. I would go into work (night shift at a hospital) and as the walls felt like they were closing in if I could just get a minute of fresh air outside, I could make it through the night. It was a dark season but God was faithful.

I now know that there's actually a lot of science behind what God was teaching me about His creation, what I was feeling and how to cope. It's been a beautiful process as I've grown and hopefully helped others along the way over the years. I'm happy to say that MOST of the time now, I go about my days and do not live in fear or panic. Im pretty intentional about consistently doing the things that keep me close to God and therefore a lot calmer on a daily basis. 

~

So in the middle of a big beautiful bustling city along with 982,837,894,346 (I kid) (sort of) other people....I found myself STUCK in a stinking elevator on Saturday. If you're thinking, "Oh I bet she wanted out" you'd be right.

And I don't like to admit this, but I panicked. There wasn't much I could actually do but I did stand there and cry. My girls were mostly fine, mama was fine, eight other strangers were fine....it was just me. I wanted OUT like nobody's business and as you know stuck in an elevator is kind of confining. Nobody was going anywhere. I do remember at one point reaching into my purse, pulling out a few chewable  supplements which are totally natural but to the strangers in the elevator might have looked like I was popping some sort of CBD. I didn't care. 

Thankfully one sweet man who was also a little unwell over the situation asked me if I wanted to pray. I did and within a minute of praying out loud the powers that be were able to open the door and get us out of there. Imagine that. God is faithful.

~

Now here's where it gets a little tricky because I would love for that to be the end of it. And in a large part, it was. We went on about our day, went to dinner and a show, had a blast an mostly forgot about said incident. 

It wasn't until about 3 am. in that hotel room when everyone else was fast asleep that the enemy came in like a flood and that feeling of needing out settled on me and had me thinking that getting out of that room, out of that hotel and down onto the street for a minute was what I needed to feel relief. It would be funny if it wasn't so true. Sometimes the lies that the enemy tells us when we aren't operating with the mind of Christ just aren't even halfway logical. 

Thankfully though even though it had been many years since I had anything like this happen-it wasn't my first rodeo either. I sent Tim a text in the middle of the night and asked him to pray for me. He immediately answered and told me to go read Psalm 46. I did and it calmed me. Then I read it again. He told me to play Shane and Shanes versions of singing Psalm 46 and 42 until I felt better. He was right. It works every time. HE works. His WORD works. God is faithful.

~

I was recalling some of the less than beautiful details of this incident to a friend yesterday and we were laughing hysterically. The hard parts of life are so much more bearable if you can laugh at yourself....God designed us to be curious, to ask questions, to laugh and enjoy life. He is continually drawing us into relationship with Him and I will proclaim this until the day I go home to heaven....I wouldn't have the blessing of knowing Him like I do without this stinking thorn in the flesh. So therefore it is worth it. Knowing Him is so worth anything it takes to find that when everything falls apart you are really and truly held together only by Him. 

I so hope that when someone sees my life in snippets of squares on Instagram that they see there is a God that holds me together. He holds all of us together and has us carefully tended to in the palm of His hand. We are going to be ok. Life won't always be easy and as a matter of fact some hard days turn into hard seasons which turn into hard years. That's the gospel life. It will ultimately be redeemed in Heaven but we have no guarantee that it won't sometimes be hard here. The enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy but Jesus came to give us abundant life (John 10:10). 

The older that I get the more that I'm finding that abundant life is found not in everything always being perfect, but just finding Him in the midst of it. 

~

I share this with the desire that you remember that no ones life is perfect no matter how beautiful or aesthetically pleasing it looks on the Gram. And even if your struggle looks different than mine, don't you dare for a minute let the enemy stop you from living the life that our God intended. It won't always be easy, but it is so worth it to persevere! 

Go and live your life without fear as you trust in Him. Repeat that phrase to yourself and sing the Psalms over yourself as often as needed. God is faithful!

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Growing Pains

Yesterday our little "joyful caboose" as she's affectionally known in our house, got in the car at pickup line with a very pronounced pout. 

She buckled in without saying a word, just a look that said this day was a lot and I need help dealing with it. And then she burst into tears as we drove out of the school parking lot and the floodgates of her little heart burst open.

"I'm so dumb," she wailed. "I'm never going to pass anything!" I let her cry for a few minutes and then she began to tell me about how she had failed an AR test. 

I don't know if you all are familiar with AR but it's basically a group of reading comprehension quizzes given over a quarter. Each student has a goal that they have to meet. Sometimes this can feel like an assignment from the devil. I digress.

Don't get me wrong, I love reading and see the benefit. I love writing too, obviously. 

But in a busy family with older siblings sometimes meeting this little goal at the end of a quarter can seem like the last few miles of a marathon. Not that I've ever ran one or anything. But I imagine that's what it would be like.

So I'm not going to lie....I was disappointed that the test hadn't gone too well myself because she'd spent a lot of time reading those thirteen little chapters. For what seemed like nothing in return. 

I did what I always do and tried to put a rosy spin on it. For some kids that might work, but for Bella it went something like a small train wreck. She wanted those points badly. She had read that book and tried and dang it, she wasn't satisfied!

`

I remembered a time a few months ago when my teen boy was telling me a similar story and I immediately piped in with, "That's ok Tanner!" And then he proceeded to tell me in the same breath that sometimes instead of trying to fix something I needed to just hear him out.

Ouch.

But you know what? He wasn't wrong.

God made all of us different, each with our own quirky little spin on the world. Some of us see the glass half full, some half empty. Some see rainbows and sunshine and some tend to live under an umbrella waiting for the rain. And each personality-no matter how it is bent-is ok. We aren't cookie cutter images of each other. But we're each imperfectly human and all made in God's image. He gave us all different gifts and we're all a work in progress.

`

When we got home yesterday after I let Bella sit on her anger for a minute I tried a different approach. "I know you're so disappointed Bella. I am too." Instead of trying to fix her disappointment, I just acknowledged it. And I also sat with her in that feeling for a little while. I'm not sure how long it took her-I didn't really see it happen at any one moment-but she did shift. Before the night was over she had her joyful little disposition back and what her teacher likes to refer to as a "growth mindset." 

I love that. Lord give me a growth mindset too. Heaven knows I sure need it most days. Don't we all?!

`

To me one of the most beautiful things about motherhood isn't how flawless and perfect that it is most days. If I was ever waiting on that-I'd surely be disappointed most days just like my sweet Bella over her test that had gone wrong. 

Rather though, I just love the fact that we're all putting one foot in front of the other, one day at a time, trying and sometimes failing. But then getting up the next day and asking God to refine us into more of who He made us to be....that's where the beauty is found. The chiseling away of our rough edges doesn't always feel pleasant. But if we can keep our eyes on the goal ahead, it makes the growing pains a lot more bearable:)

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Known

Years ago when I first began to study the Bible I had absolutely no idea where to start. It wasn't like I'd never heard of anything of that nature, I had grown up in the church after all. 

The feeling I had about anything connected to the Bible was more along the lines of duty or a discipline though up to that point in my life. There was nothing rather delightful about the opening of the pages of scripture for me until one day when I needed it. 

Its funny how you can miss what's right in front of your eyes until you are forced to actually see.

~

There's a passage in Matthew chapter seven that speaks to the resources God has given us. Jesus is speaking about prayer in this passage and He says, "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened." 

This passage has been used by well meaning but misguided teachers to promote material gain and prosperity. But the truthful meaning is so much more beautiful. The Lord is asking us to seek Him here. His wisdom, His direction. If we're ever going to have our Lords spiritual blessings, we must persist in asking. We must keep knocking at the door. 

The resources had been there all along but I wasn't knocking or seeking. I wasn't asking. Until one day suddenly, I was. 

~

If you back up two chapters from the asking and seeking passage in Matthew you'll find Jesus's promise to bless those that hunger and thirst after righteousness. He promises to satisfy them. 

When life got hard I began to ask, seek and knock. The resources that had been available to me all along suddenly aligned with the desire in my heart and I began a pursuit. Just like He promised He would do, He began to satisfy. 

The method has evolved over the years but the pursuit is still the same. I basically pursue until I'm satisfied. And then I get up the next day and do it all again. 

Because, life. 

And also because I don't know about you but I have learned over the years I have a pretty big cup to fill. And that cup seems rather empty and drains everyone else around me too if not filled with the right things. THE right thing, which is the only thing that ever can or will satisfy the human heart. 

~

Last night we abandoned all sane thinking and took the kids to see a late movie. Naturally this morning I rolled over tired and debated staying in bed. But the hunger. It was just there so strong. It's not always that felt, but today for whatever reason, it was. 

I carried my bible into the living room, flipped on a lamp and found my passage of study for the morning, Hebrews 4. I underlined verse 12.  "For the Word of God is living and active, sharper than any two edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart."

Because my coffee hadn't quite sunk in just yet I didn't immediately make a connection. I studied that verse and just thought about how the Word exposes our hearts and enables us to meet our Savior in its pages. But then after a few minutes I remembered how I had sleepily considered laying in the bed that morning and been prompted to get out of it because of the verse of the day on the Youversion app.

What verse was that you ask? Hebrews 4:12. Of course it was.

~

Listen, here's the deal. I know that you don't always get the aha moments and sometimes we go to God's word and leave not really feeling anything and that is ok. Feelings are not necessary. Truth triumphs feelings all day, every day.

But sometimes?

Well sometimes God just moves among the pages JUST LIKE THIS SCRIPTURE STATES and He just comes alive. And when He does there is nothing, absolutely nothing in all of this world that can make you doubt just how real and alive and beautiful and Holy He truly is.

There is something so deeply satisfying about realizing were KNOWN by the one who formed us and made us in His image. The one who hung the stars in the sky and numbered the hairs on our head loves us so much that He is interested in and invested in the happenings of our every day. 

So why would we not go to His word and invite Him in?! Sure, it can be a little time consuming and sometimes yes it does feel more like discipline than anything.

But "Blessed are those who delight in the law of the Lord and who meditates on his law day and night." Psalm 1:2

There is nothing quite like the blessing of meeting Him in the pages and discovering all of the things He has to say to you through the scriptures. He sees you. He KNOWS you. He wants to reveal Himself to you. He is worth seeking. He is the prize. 

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Overcoming

 It's been a minute since I've written anything on anxiety and that's for a good reason. It doesn't cripple me anymore. There are plenty of days that it's the farthest thing from my mind.

But if you've read anything on my little square of the world wide webs then you know that this has been my thorn in the flesh. Just like anything else that I'm overcoming (we're all overcoming at least something) it ebbs and flows. Last week it flowed a little too much for my liking. 

Here's the unfortunate thing about struggles, we don't get to pick when they hit. They just do. And that's how I found myself last week in a beautiful place with my precious family, struggling.

We had planned for a while to take our family on a cruise for spring break. What I hadn't planned for was the fact that we weren't on the ship half an hour when I felt this overwhelming feeling of panic rising steadily. That's a great way to start out a vacation. 

I know very little about the brain and mental health in general but I've picked up on a few helpful tips  over the years. Here's one of them. When a traumatic response happens, a pathway is formed in the brain and it takes approximately 10,000 repetitions to form a new neural pathway in the brain. TEN THOUSAND. That's not stated to make it sound impossible, however it goes without saying that intentionality is a must.

One thing that I do when anxiety sets in is try to get out of wherever I am. It sounds crazy, I know. Years ago though when I went through a really tough time and one of those less than desirable pathways were formed, I would wake myself up or Tim would wake me up-trying to get out of the house. I would be at work sometimes and just have to go outside. Still to this day I do not like elevators or really crowded spaces.

As a little side note I'll add that a couple of weeks ago I was hosting a bunch of teenagers at our house for big weekend. One of the activities was a scavenger hunt which landed us at Dicks at the West Town Mall. Lo and behold if my group of girls didn't get themselves stuck in an elevator for almost an hour during said scavenger hunt. You better believe that as I stood there and prayed for them to get out I also thanked my Lord that I was not in that elevator with them. Yes and amen:)

Thankfully I've been at this a while now and Ive got a few tools in my belt as to how to handle myself.  When the panic started rising last week and my body wanted to run, my mind was not going to let that happen. It also helps that my sweet steady Eddy as I call him knows exactly when something like this is looming and helps me to back off the ledge I sometimes find myself on. 

I encouraged myself in the Lord (Psalm 42, 91) I ran on the treadmill and I read and prayed a lot last week.  Those are my go to's. They work, but I do have to be really intentional about doing the things over and over again that work for me.  

By the grace of God I was able to steady myself that first day but two days later those feelings surfaced again when Bella and I were about to go on an excursion. I wanted to just cancel it. Tim encouraged me to stay the course and I'm so glad I did but it cost me a good nights sleep and some digging in God's Word for peace about the day.

Last year I had the privilege of sharing my testimony with my sweet friend Brigitte and she spoke about the importance of staying tethered to the Lord in tough times. That phrase has stuck with me in the past year and I'm finding myself more now than ever, staying tightly tethered to the Lord. There's something about these middle age years that I'm in-one can either 1) cower down in fear and your world will become small or 2) continually tether yourself to THE source of help and don't back down from intimidating situations. I've decided that continual overcoming is crucial.  

Those who know me best know that home is my happy place and I am most comfortable there. So this year I don't think it's ironic that I have got more planned than I have in a long time. Again, by the grace of God, I'll overcome. I might have to take a little medication and read Psalm 91 while doing it-but with His help I will overcome!

Here's the thing that I keep coming back to the older that I get on good days, bad days, panic days or any day in between. We might not get to choose when struggles come but we do get to choose who we trust in. I trust in Jesus. He is sovereign and He is in control. He doesn't take a day off or have a bad day and He can more than handle all of mine.

I realize that some of you might wonder why I choose to share stories such as this and I'll be real honest here. There's two reasons and the first one is that in a social media driven society we all post the pretty and the happy. I put plenty of my cute little family in the squares last week and I'll hang onto those memories forever. I'm not sorry that I did-those pictures aren't fake to me, they're real and I want to remember every little detail. But they also don't tell the whole story and I so desire to be real. It takes more than a few words sometime to get the whole picture. Pun totally intended:)

The biggest reason why I'll probably go to my grave sharing about this though is that I know so many others who struggle with this very same thing. And if I can encourage someone along the way then I am going to do it. I have been a Believer for a long time and I believe that God didn't heal me from this struggle completely for a reason. He wanted me to trust and lean on Him more and to help others along the way remember that we will all be made perfect in Heaven one day! 

And until then we can still smile. We can still have joy, adventure and overcome struggles! 

With any struggle there are going to be days of victory and days with setbacks. Just because I struggled last week doesn't mean that I'm a failure or that the Lord is asleep to my problem. He didn't take a day off and I didn't do anything wrong. I am simply on my journey to heaven and haven't been delivered of this mortal flawed body completely just yet. The struggle between the flesh and the Spirit is real and somedays I'm a little less Spirit and a little more flesh than I like. That's ok as long as I'm intentionally always moving toward the goal. 

On the last day of our cruise last week I was in a hurry and got into an elevator myself (not something I do often.) As I traveled up the decks I let my mind go to the what ifs and slowly but surely I began to laugh. And then just to maybe give the enemy a kick in the tail I rode it all the way back down to the bottom floor again. In that moment it wouldn't have mattered to me if it stopped. It was me and Jesus, overcoming.

For as long as I have on this earth, I'll encourage others that they too can one day at a time, do the same.

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